I’m a twin who I believe is suffering from extreme co-dependency issues living in the big city away from my .twin sister let alone family. The thing is, they never were really nice to me forcing me to become legally dependent on myself at 17 causing strain & never being invited on the family vacations even into this day.

I’ll admit as a child I struggled with emotional problems but coming from a community where mental health is looked as a weakness or the devil & suffering & compression is accoladed as strength, this is also something I never got in touch with until adulthood being lead by my intuition into chaotic circumstances.

I can’t stop attracting sociopathic men. Narccists

My partner right now is the definition of a narcissist. It seems like I have a easy time communicating with others but he does this thing where it’s hard to actually communicate with others via gas lighting “who is this friend, why are they doing this, that, etc” even the simplest thing as telling him about a time I’ve experienced (like not having to show proof of address everytime I enter our local DMV) is like him dissecting about the experience I DIDNT have because it’s analytically impossible. His energy is always eerie giving me anxiety forcing me to shut down almost every convo. The micro management. I’m a traditional cis gendered woman but my relationship isn’t typical with him often having to express to him what I like and my love language. He did a great job wooing me in the beggining before he decided to ask me for money towards his rent at the start of our relationship, he lost his job a month after we started officially dating, getting a job he worked for a month before losing that to Covid. I work my ass off for years doing side jobs, corporate and borrowing money because I can’t depend on him for nothing realistically nor even to be attentive. and just other nasty concerns with other women being brought up. (He stayed with a woman he told me was his friend, but he knew she wanted sex from him, she thought he was using her, she kicked him out but the rumor among our peers is he stole her wallet and booked a train back home, in which I ignored the red sign and paid her back for) He would share & repost other women online but never of me until I asked him how it would make him feel if I did it with my colleagues of men, and up into last week, (together for 10 months, he moved in with me during the pandemic) I discovered he’s still holding on to memories of his ex. Like a photo book of pictures of strictly her that he HANDED ME. and this was strike 3 of ex concerns and the memories and conversations. He constantly belittles my mental health, I have no support from him. He doesn’t even gift me on holidays and if I don’t ask him (which I have a problem asking for help due to my shitty family dynamic) he would literally let me struggle into another panic attack. I was actually conquering my mental health before I met him. I don’t create, I don’t take pictures of myself. I feel like nothing. I feel like I’m in his spotlight. He triggers me ptsd really bad and I don’t know what to do because he acts like he needs me and has nothing and nowhere else to go. Maybe I should give up everything and go because this relationship is making me miserable. All the times he packed up and left, once he attacked me and said I was nothing, for me to come home with him in our bed (because he bought us a new one) to turn out because he bought it. He does a lot of my symptoms and things I struggle with (like feeling sod hopelessness; self hurt) and I feel like it’s him making fun of me. Where I really struggle. He’s already pushed me physically a couple times explaining to me he didn’t understand that’s apart of domestics (I confided in him about my past) To tell you the truth I’ve never struggled this hard physically, financially, mentally and emotionally with a man around me like this. He makes me feel so stupid, so low, like a loser. He feels there’s nothing back in his home town. But why are you here torturing me knowing I survive off of my codependency?

The abusive ones, the manipulative ones. I struggle with ignoring red flags. I struggle with putting myself first. I struggle with my confidence. But I work hard and hide my problems behind strength.

I’m 25 and I’m really over this problem. I know it starts with self love. But when you struggle clinically, when you come from institution, all you want to do is feel safe and regulated. Mental hospitals are always the last resort for me bevause I do well on my own. Lord please grant me strength.