Hi,

Tw : abuse, food forcing ?

So since forever, whatever i do is approved or not by my parents. The intimacy i can have has to be planned, calculated.... When i was 15, i started considering being vegetarian and i did. When i told it to my mom she just acted like i wasnt serious. But when i refused to eat meat the next meal she reacted sooo bad. Yelled at me, my father did the same, they let me 3 days following this diet and decided to oblige me to eat steak.

So i pretended it was "just a phase" and actually kept being vegetarian for five years by using pretty shameful technics. All i can tell, stray cats loved this ! After this, i decided to go vegan. I have been for two years and it has been hell on earth because it s very hard to be it secretly when you actually eat in the same table same time with your non-vegan abusive family. But i managed to. I had my technics. It was crazy but i could. Until one time they noticed i wasnt eating normally and my father kept watching me and waiting for me to eat.

So after seven years with no meat i just couldnt. Not even to get away with it ! So i cried and explained and showed videos of doctors and exposed my thought but none of them listened. I litterally was trying to talk while they yelled and said i was too ego centric and wanted to act too diffrent. They said as long as i lived under their roof i had to eat what they want me to.

I didnt even ask them to cook for me i said i would get my own food and cook for me and for them if they want but it was as always impossible to get any point.

Since then, i have been forced to eat non vegan food. They watch me chew, look at my plate, choose how much meat i will eat, if i refuse they yell at me, father gets up from his chair violently and threatens to beat me, my mom even wanted to choke me the first days of confrontation.

Now i developped a defense mechanism. I cried alll the time and used to feel like a graveyard in my body. A food rape. I felt like hell and been reallllyyy anxious all the time.

Sometimes i dont eat for the whole day because they didnt cook anything vegan and if i cook something they will know it s because i refused to eat what is already prepared.

My defense mechanism is constantly denying that this is happening. When i eat animals i almost lose the sense of existence. Until better times where i can Simply stop eating what i dont wanna eat.

Thanks for reading me. Have you ever experienced something similar ? Food forcing ? Or maybe not being respected for a moral value they do not share with you !