Hi Tw : self-harm and addictions

Im a 22 F being raised by Nparents. They make my life a constant state of stress and anxiety. I came through a time where i'd bite my lips all the time unconsciously as a response to high stress, until i had a scar. Lost myself with addictions that both help and put me through the anxiety of being caught ! And the abuse is really everywhere But, when i dont ask for anything and do exactly what they want or when they are in pretty good mood, they act nice and be pretty kind to me (until they set new demands !) Like, they reallyy love me a lot which makes me feel 2 times bad: for knowing what they really make me endure AND for me being unable to take that love or even give it back because i just lost it, i am too desperate and sick because of them to even allow myself to love them, as love is just a way to make their betrayal hurt more.

Going no contact scares me to death because im afraid i ll only remember the moments they were good to me or the hurt i'll cause to them since they literally love me with exaggeration! Im afraid that i ll never be truly happy once free because freedom will cost me an extremely heavy conscience and staying with them is really unbearable.. An inbetween is impossible because i could never take that, i could never hear them beg and not change my mind i do not have a strong enough heart for this.

Please share with me your experience with going NC How did you manage? Does any of you have a similar situation where the NP shows love and affection after hurting you like HELL And after making you be who you just are not?

Thanks for reading me folks!