I honestly have no idea why I'm posting right now. I've just spent the past half an hour looking for councilling and nothing seems to fit, is available or affordable. So here I am.

It's been 7 months since I decided to go No Contact. It's been about 2 and a half since they came through to my flat unannounced and unexpected. It's been about 2 months since I tried to kill myself. It's been over a month since we moved into our new flat.

It's getting more and more time away from them and more and more space and I honestly dont know if I'm coping.

I left uni and got a job, I'm doing okay. Could be better, could be worse. I still have a good friends round me. I'm doing so much better than I was before I found this sub, I was still in their control. I dont recognize the difference in myself tbh. I know I'm better than I was. Everyone reminds me of that.

I'm doing so much better than I used to. But I dont know if I'm coping or avoiding.

I miss my mum. She was bitter and made up lies and was petty and cruel. But she was also a broken women who had been abused and mentally ill all my life, and for most of hers. She tried to protect me sometimes, not always. But sometimes. We would hold hands and watch TV. She had it in her to be nice and I miss that.

I cant tell anyone that without them reminding me she was abusive. And it get it. I respect that. But even for a minute I want to have memories that aren't shot down as abuse. I want my mum. I want this false only partly real idea of my mum. I cant only have that part so I wont have any.

But I miss her. Even tho I know I hate who she really is, when she could present as kind and loving she was really good at it. I miss having the image of a family.

That's all it was, an image. But for years I believed it.

Everyone tells me I'm so strong and that they're proud of me for having done something so hard and difficult. But I dont feel it. I feel like I've thrown away every part of my old life and that the hard part is living with this decision for the rest of my life. I understand that I would probably be dead if I was still at home. I did the right thing by leaving I know that. But fucking hell I've lost my family. I've lost my past. I've let go of everything everythibg ive ever knew and I dont know if it's going to get any easier.