I just...I can't with this kind of self-centered shit.

Essentially, what started as me trying for once to not let my mother bail on plans we had turned into a huge fight. She was supposed to take me to practice driving, bitched at me that she was sick with bronchial pneumonia (except she didn't tell me until 15 minutes before we got in the car), then yelled at me and triggered a panic attack, at which point I got out of my car (which hadn't left our driveway) and headed straight to my room to break down in peace. The panic attack that had started calmed down enough to let me escape, I suppose.

I locked my door, fumbled my phone out of my purse with shaking hands, and called my boyfriend. I was starting to hyperventilate again, and when he picked up I was starting to freak out. He was a saint and talked me through it, getting me calm enough to start explaining what had happened.

And then I heard knocking on my door.

It was her, of course. I didn't know or care what the fuck she wanted, I was mid-panic-attack and trying to calm down. I tried to ignore her, but the knocking got more insistent and then she started calling my name. So I went over to ask through the door what she wanted.

She started out crying and begging me to open the door. At one point I heard her literally say "Please. I need you. I need to see you. I don't have much time left." What am I, your fucking teddy bear? Get the fuck away from me. I told her that I needed to be alone and take some time to calm down.

When I refused to open the door, then she started getting angry. She demanded for a while, telling me to open the door. Then she said things like "This is the last time I'm going to ask you. Open. This. Door. Now." and "You have one more chance. Open the door." Then she started making threats. She threatened to take my phone, my car, and every door in my room.

Meanwhile I was whispering to my boyfriend on the phone telling him she wouldn't go away and was threatening to take those things. At one point he literally told me that if I was worried she would make threats or get violent, I needed to hang up and call the police. I wasn't worried about her hurting me, but it was scaring me shitless that I had told her repeatedly that I just needed to be alone and she wasn't listening.

Boyfriend's advice was to call my aunt and have her talk my mother down, because I couldn't do it in the state I was in and she wouldn't have listened to me anyways. So I did, and at some point my mother stopped camping outside my door like a crazy bitch and went away. At that point, I opened my closet, dragged the laundry basket out of it, and sat down in my closet and hid.

My aunt and I talked a while, and at some later point the crazy bitch came back and the process repeated anew. Crying, begging, demanding, threatening, back to crying. By this point I was literally hiding in my closet crying and trying to stay quiet while on the phone and not panic.

Eventually she left me alone and fucked off, I finished up my call with my aunt, and called Boyfriend back because I just wanted to talk to him after all that.

As scary and anxiety/panic-inducing as it was, you know what pisses me the hell off about all this?

How fucking self-centered do you have to be to do this? How can you hear someone refusing to open a door and speak to you and just completely disregard that boundary and attempt to force your presence on them?

You know why she needed to see me so fucking bad?

Because she wanted to apologize to me face-to-face and give me a hug.

No.

That is not how this works. You do not plant yourself outside of someone's locked door and cry and beg them to let you in, then get angry and threaten to take away their phone, car, and doors when they refuse. Especially not if you plan to apologize to this person and hug them. People do not get that fucking aggressive over an apology and a hug.

The other thing that pisses me off is that she refused to take my "no" as an answer. No, she just ~neeeeeeded~ to see me and hug me right then and there. It absolutely couldn't wait. She needed it so badly she made threats over it.

At one point she literally asked me why what she wanted didn't matter and my first thought on the inside was "????!!!!????!!!! Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME? What you want is the ONLY thing that has ever mattered. Dad and I would catch hell if we didn't give in and cater to you because you ~haaaave~ to get your way all the fucking time and everything and everyone else just isn't as important. And now that I'm finally standing up for myself you have to ask why you don't matter? Does everything really have to be about you all the time?"

I didn't say that, of course, but I really wanted to. Because it pissed me off so much that I was telling her I needed to be alone and she just did not listen at all and stayed out there harassing me. Because what I needed clearly paled in comparison to heeeeerrrrrr. No, she needed taken care of. She needed her fee-fees fixed. She needed me to let her get all emotional and ~apologize~ so she could feel better and pretend she was a good parent.

There I was hiding in the closet and crying, and she continued to force her presence on me and demand I cater to her outside my door. Like no, you fuck off and leave me alone, I don't give a shit what you're crying about, you're not taking fucking no for an answer. How can you say you love me and care about me and want to fix things and then do this?

Honestly. I feel like all she really cares about is maintaining the status of "good parent" when she never put in any of the work to earn it. She couldn't be bothered to feed me properly as a kid, she made me fend for myself at a young age and never helped me, and she emotionally abused me frequently. She couldn't be assed to treat me right but she wants to pretend she did, and it's getting her so pissy that I'm not falling all over myself for her.

She can kiss my ass. She's spent two decades acting like she doesn't give a shit about me and what I want, why should I care about what she wants? She wants to talk so bad she can go talk to a wall for all I care.

/rant