This is the worst I've felt physically in a long while (don't really get ill that often tbh) and it made me think about when I wasn't well when I was younger. It's also my mums birthday, the first one she's had since NC and is also the first time I've had to call in sick to my new job.

6 months ago if I thought I was going to unable to leave my bed on my mum's birthday, and also the same weekend as mothers day and that I would have to call in sick to my new job I would have had a panic attack. The guilt would weigh me down for days. I probably would have forced myself to get the hour bus journey home. Only to endure more emotional trauma and inevitably spiral down a difficult hole to get out of.

The idea of having to take a day off only 3 weeks into my new job. My dream job. Would have left me feeling worthless,like I didnt deserve to have the job. If I'm being completely honest I would never have gotten to the point to be able to work again. The last job I had I got fired for taking too many days off. Days I would have otherwise been able to work hadn't my family harassed me to the point of being at the mental brink.

I wouldn't have been able to leave uni or contemplate working full time. The idea of leaving uni, something I've wanted to do since I started, left me feeling like a deadbeat. Like drop out scum. Worthless. Lazy. A coward.

I left a very prestigious university, doing a very prestigious course to work in childcare. A job I love, one I'm great at. I look forward to being there. It pulls me out of my slump rather than pushing me into one, unlike uni or any other job I've done. Im not worrying about money as much as I did before. I can work off all my debts in a few months and start working on building up savings.

6 months ago the idea of telling my family I wanted to leave uni to work in a nursery, well I don't have to explain what they would do to RBN. At the bare minimum they would have squashed any confidence out of me that I needed to actually make the leap into this new life.

6 months ago I would have dreaded my mums birthday and mothersday. Now the only downside to this day is that I've woken up to the flu. That's it. No panic attacks. No unnecessary pressure or arguments. No unrealistic or unfair expectations. No guilt. Just an upset stomach and the shits.

Don't get me wrong I feel fuckimg awful. But God it feels good to say that in my own home. With a healthy mind. I feel free.

At first I thought that me being ill was a sign I had made a mistake. The universe giving me karma for not even making the effort to send a bday text. Then I got over it really quickly. It could be that...

Or it could be the universe saving me from myself. If I wasnt ill right now. Bed ridden. I wouldn't have been forced to think about all the times me or my brother were ill when we were younger. These are repressed memories I haven't thought of in years. But they came to mind. On her birthday. A day for family.

I was forced to think about the times when I was in complete agony with stomach and back pains that made me think I was going to die. And they did nothing but give me a basin and laugh at me telling me I was "just needing a poo, stop holding it in". Humiliating me. Or when I had to drag myself down stairs from my bed when I couldn't move anything below my stomach because of the pain, in complete silence so not to wake anyone up and deal with the consequences.

Or when my brother was sick and my mum and dad would berate him for asking for help. Or when I was told to stop screaming in agony because I was "exaggerating". Refusing to take me to the hospital even though I begged and pleaded because I was "being dramatic".

I sat on my bathroom floor spewing my guts out instead of getting ready to go to work when all these things were forced into my head. And I'm thankful.

Because it made me really understand where I am. I'm surround by my REAL family. Having friends offer to come round or stay in to help me. I refused, not out of guilt or shame as I would have done previously, but because I know I'm going to be okay.

I'll get better in a few days (touching wood that it doesn't ruin my weekend plans) and after that I'll be able to live my happy life like I have been since NC. I'll celebrate mothers day with my bf's mum who has been a wonderful mother to me. And on Monday I'll go back to my dream job and I'll work hard doing something I love.

I've got my bucket, paracetamol, and my real family. I'm going to be okay.