I’m a 21 year old guy who recently realized my parents are narcissists, I have brothers who are older than me who are narcissists.

I always thought my mom was the one I could run to when dad was being mean. When he’d kick me out of the dugout during a baseball game, for simply having fun, I’d go to my mother and cry to her.

Then I started catching onto everything when I was 20. But nothing has hit me harder than what I have recently discovered. I came downstairs after laying in bed most of the day wearing thin underwear and thin sweatpants and right when I went to go say hi to my mom I realized she was staring at my crotch.

I didn’t think anything of it. “Silly me, mom wouldn’t do that.” Then the next day. She would sneak a peak. And the next day. And the next day. And the next day. Fast forward to now. I can’t even get up, go to the kitchen, and grab some food, without constantly repeating in my head, “please don’t look at me please don’t look at me please please please don’t look at me.” Every single time I think of her looking at me, I could see her eyes looking straight down at me, and it makes me shake (as if I got the chills but much worse than chills).

I’ve been trying to remember memories from my childhood that could lead to proof of sexual abuse, so far I’ve only found one event which I’d rather not share.

My dad is hardcore conservative and doesn’t believe that mental illness is a thing. I rely on them financially, I need help but I can’t pay for a therapist or to see a doctor or anyone. I feel so trapped and hopeless.