6.5 years after I left, and about 3 years after I saw them for the last time, I met with my Nmom and Edad again. The goal: telling them about my new name (that I'm finally getting officially changed because of gender things, yay!) and proposing to possibly rebuild contact in therapy. My wife came with me, for support. I was 20 when I left, honestly the best decision I ever made.

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We met at a bar (so they wouldn't be able to make a scene and we can easily leave immediately if needed), they were already there when we arrived. Nmom didn't say anything for the first 15 minutes. Edad tried to facilitate a superficial conversation, which helped with my nerves. I explained about my name first, did a very basic explanation without explaining much about my gender (which was easy as I'm non-binary), asked if they had any questions. There were none.
Then I went on to explain that I had asked them to come because I wanted to try to build something again. That I didn't want to fall into the old patterns again because those were toxic for them and for myself. Therefore, I didn't want to meet up just the three of us, I only want to see them again if there is a third, impartial person present, someone who is trained in negotiating conflict. A therapist.

Nmom tells me she doesn't know what the conflict is, and you need to tell them what the conflict is before it can be resolved. I blanked for a second there, and then asked the question that I hadn't imagined having to ask them: "Do you mean that you don't know why I left?" - "No, I don't understand."

Other unexpected bits of conversation of the evening:

• "I don't want to be alone in one room with you because it frightens me" - Edad: "I don't understand, why would you be scared?" - me: "Because of the physical violence and threats of violence" - Nmom: "There was never any violence! These are lies!"
• Nmom: "I offered you an appartement of your own before you left and you wouldn't take it."
• Nmom: "We proposed family therapy years ago and you didn't want it!" - me: "I don't recall that, and if you did I was probably not ready for it. You can't do therapy when you're not ready." --2min later-- Nmom: "I'm not going to a therapist!"
• Nmom: "I don't want to talk about the past. You can't change it anyways, and you just have to move on. _I_ can do that!" --2min later-- Nmom: [brings up 4 different incidents from the past]
• Edad: [turns to my wife] "You see? I have a child and I have a wife..." [lets out the saddest sigh]
• Nmom: [turns to my wife and starts showering her with compliments and tries to sway her with very unimpressive environmental stuff]
• Nmom: "I'm done with youvetornyourdress dissing after arguments are over! I won't be dissed anymore!" Also Nmom: [has every other sentence be some sort of diss towards me]
• Nmom: [interrupts me] - me: "Can I please finish my sentence? I think it's incredibly rude to interrupt people. I listen to what you have to say and let you finish, and you do the same for me. It's basic respect." *crickets* Nmom: [continues to interrupt me at her whims]
• Edad: "You know that this therapist is going to also be a mirror for you, right? You'll have to be able to look at your own flaws, it will be hard." - me: [having been actively working on myself for the past 6 years and only been able to afford therapy the past half year] "Yes, I know this."

Overall, the evening was draining, I cried silently at one point, I endured and did my best to be as empathetic and calm as possible while standing up for my own boundaries. My wife supported me by holding my hand and saying very diplomatic things every now and then (and by joining me in my ranting at a different bar afterwards, and in my dancing the emotion out of my limbs). Edad sort of opened up to the idea of therapy by the end.

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This isn't progress in the sense that they changed or admitted guilt or even saw a flaw in themselves. This is progress for me. This thing was incredibly hard to do, the odds it will work are slim and even then it will require a great amount of courage, endurance and self-care. But I did it, and I was the best version of myself I could think of. I didn't resort to dissing, I didn't yell or interrupt, I explained my point of view clearly, repeatedly and I stuck to it. I stuck to my reasoning and didn't let them drag me down to their level.
I mean, I'm a mess now and I'll be picking myself up for the next week(s?) probably, but if it all fails here, I can accept that. I gave it my all.

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I couldn't have imagined myself doing this, when I ran off. I'm proud.

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