So as the title says it's my mom's birthday. I went NC in the begining of December 2015. That year I already had her birthday stuff so I sent it anyway. Last year some friends and I hung out to keep me distracted. This year it's me in an office with not enough work to stop me from thinking. I feel so proud of keeping NC. She called me on my birthday last year to wish me happy birthday and to make sure I was safe from Hurricane Matthew. I didn't pick up but I do have her voicemail saved. God it hurt hearing her voice. She called my dad this year because she's figured out I won't pick up. My dad didn't recognize her cell number or else he wouldn't have answered either. He was staying with us due to the fact Irma's eyewall was going to be going over his house. It shifted and went over mine instead. Go figure, right? Anyway he walked into the living room to ask if I wanted to talk to her. Nope. But now I'm feeling guilty. The only times she has tried to break NC were to make sure I was safe. While no one was really worried about Matthew, Irma was a terror. She knows the power of hurricanes. She survived Andrew. So I know she was legitimately worried and I never let her know I was okay. Now I feel guilty because it's her birthday and I am her only child. She only re-married a few years ago so for almost 20 years it was just the 2 of us for her birthday. I want to call her and wish her a happy birthday but I know doing so will make her feel like she's welcome back in my life and she's not. I just feel rotten. Sorry about all the rambling. I guess I just need to vent. My co-workers all have great relationships with their parents and don't get it. My friends and fiance do but it's not their parents so it's easy for them to say "just don't call her". I just keep hearing saying "you never loved me anyway. You've never cared." and it's eating me up.