I've been a longtime lurker here and have finally accepted that my parents are both narcissists.

I'm 23yr old guy, got out of college last May and have been living home ever since. During this time I've come into the worst depression I have ever been in my life and a few months ago the love of my life, the guy I was going to marry and raise kids together, ended things. On top of that I have been trying to survive living with my Nparents while reliving the memories (abuse) I grew up with. It's been so so hard on me, I'm sobbing just writing this.

After the long term relationship ended my depression went into depths I never knew existed. I would sleep for hours so I didn't have to think about it and then cry so hard my eyes would hurt. I had to put fake eye drops. Migraines came daily. I still rarely eat, I now weigh just a little over 100lbs. The emotions were so intense that I eventually got a therapist.

Life with my Nparents has become pretty bad. My therapist (who I visit in secret) has been working with me on how to cope with the abuse I went through and still deal with. Through this sub I have found so many great resources that have helped me understand how Narcs work and how to get out of the relationship. A few moments ago my Nmother yelled at me for not vacuuming at the right time, I become just enraged with how ridiculous that situation was and so sad at the same time about everything, thats been my emotional state lately.

But God, I cant get out because I have no motivation what-so-ever. The depression of everything consumes my mind. I sincerely could not sustain a real job at this time. Plus, I really don't want to, there is so much I have to work through as far as the emotional damage that I've been through. I just want to focus on bettering myself right now, but with 90k of student loan debt and quickly declining savings account I don't know what to do...

I just wish I had parents like my boyfriend did, I love them so so much. I wish things never ended. I'd feel so much more confident knowing I was going to a better place, but if I move out I have nothing to look forward to, let alone motivation to get me out. I can't live with my best friend who I've already asked (she lives with her parents). I have no one besides her.

im so sorry for such a long confusing post, I just feel like my mind is dying and I cant get out of my house

does anyone out there have any advice? I wish I could just get a hug, I'm so loney