I am 28 years old. In late November of last year I came to the realization that my mother is a narcissist, and that I have been emotionally and physically abused my whole life. Since then I have been feeling guilty, sad, and anxious nearly every hour of the day.

My awakening started when my wife (I’ll call her A) and I got engaged the day after thanksgiving and decided to get married on New Years Eve of that year, the two year anniversary of the day we met. A’s mother (I’ll call her D) was a beautiful and caring woman who I loved dearly, and my mother resented that greatly. D was dying of horrible uterine cancer, and was in the midst of financial ruin due to being sick and not having any medical insurance. She could not pay for a wedding, and we would not ask her to. Rather than ask my parents for money to have a wedding (which I knew wouldn’t go over well), we both decided we would be perfectly happy getting married at the courthouse with my best friend and her best friend as our witnesses. Small, simple, and low stress.

The day I announced it, I called my brother first. We hadn’t talked in some time. I got the kind of reaction you’d expect from a person, “That’s great! Congratulations! I’m so happy for you.” I called my mother last, knowing the type of reaction I was going to get because she detests my wife. When my brother announced he was getting married she made everyone miserable. She was with her friend when I called. She said the words “congratulations”, but I could hear the passive anger in her voice. My dad called me later that day (obviously under pressure from my mother, I could hear her in the background) to say "I hear you're having a wedding your mother isn't invited to". My brother called me later that evening after getting a phone call from my mother, and told me the horrible things she had said. He informed me that she accused me of “having a secret wedding at my wife’s dying mothers house that everyone was invited to except her”. She then mocked D. She mocked a beautiful innocent woman on her death bed. He told me that he decided to never talk to her again. D died the following Wednesday in hospice. A and I were present. That was my first intimate experience with death.

A month went by and I got married. I did not speak to my mother for that time despite her sending me text messages and Facebook messages I didn’t respond to. My brother came to town for a visit with his wife in January; I had not seen either of them in several years. We talked very intimately about our mother and why we hadn’t talked in so long. We shared the horrible things our mother has told us about the other and all the abuses we’ve suffered. We cried together for the first time ever. We agreed that we would be closer, and be each other’s family from then on.

Despite feeling abused and hurt, the hardest thing I’m having trouble with is the guilt, the confusion, and the sadness. I’ve been gaslighted (I just learned what this is) my whole life. I can’t help but think that this is somehow my fault. I’m scared that maybe I’m the crazy one and my perception of everything that has happened my entire life is wrong. I can’t give myself the internal validation I need and no amount of anyone else telling me my mother is crazy makes me feel any better.

Worst of all… I miss my dad. My dad isn’t perfect. He was a violent alcoholic when I was a child, but he got sober 25 years ago, took responsibility for the pain he caused others, and has made a lot of changes. Today, my mother verbally abuses and manipulates him constantly. He doesn’t understand why I’ve gone LC (I’m trying to get to a place where I feel confident going NC). I feel like I’m leaving a man behind, and feel so guilty for it. My dad is not a young man. After watching D die a horrible painful death I am so afraid that my dad is one day going to be lying in a hospice bed crapping himself and dying, and my mother will be there resenting him for it. The thought of him dying all alone breaks my heart.

I’m in therapy. I am so confused and sad right now I don’t feel like doing anything. When I’m not sad, I’m just miserably anxious and sometimes I have panic attacks. I’m so screwed up I’m not able to give my wife the outlet and stability she needs to help grieve her mother. I feel guilty about that too. I feel so lost and hopeless…