But the dream never existed to begin with. My mother always criticizes me. I'm always doing things wrong.

I've been trying to leave her for the past fifteen years. In late 2016, I asked "a friend" if she knew if anyone could open their doors for me. I was a few days away from being sent away for the rest of my life.

But I fought. I went to that university against my family's wishes. Then, I found out that I was eligible for the Total and Permanent Disability Discharge for full relief from federal student loans.

I was approved for the TPD Discharge a few weeks ago, but I ruined that because how in the world was I going to pay for a master's degree? So, I took another loan. By doing that, I rescinded my application.

Now, this nation's president has gotten rid of that opportunity. I've been living in survival mode these entire fifteen years.

"No! You were approved, but you reversed it!"

"It's not ME who they're going to come after!"

"When you sell things, something isn't right, anyway!"

I had such poor self-esteem fifteen years ago. I've been working so hard to dig myself out of the hole that was dug for me. Always threats. Always criticism. Always putdowns.

I was so scared by what was done to me that I did deep research into moving to another country. The hell do I care about this country or that one, though? The dream is dead, but it never existed.

When my time at that university fell apart, the police officer told me, "Usually when you can't go to college, it's because you have bad grades, but that wasn't your problem!" I had to apply in secret. I had to make all my moves without my family knowing. And I've been living within my mother's boundaries while I've been living on my own since 2019. It's been driving me insane. I've tried so hard to cope.

I just gone done crying so much.