I've been NC for years now, but just wanted to rant/vent.

My Nmom came back into my life when I was pregnant. It was honestly the closest we'd ever been and despite the constant silent competition we still had going on without my permission, I thought maybe being mothers might give us some common ground.

Boy was I fucking wrong.

My birth mother has done so many immoral and illegal things to me and my son, but something I'll never forget was this particular instance. My son was under 6 months old. His biological father wasn't in the picture. I was living with my parents who offered financial support but no other kind of support. I took what I could get. But I was exhausted. I also have anxiety and was possibly suffering from PPD. I'd been up for about 48 hours and was desperate for sleep but my anxiety wouldn't let me sleep because I was constantly worried my son could just die in his sleep. I didn't co sleep as I'm a deep sleeper and would have 100% hurt him eventually, so I put an air mattress in his nursery and followed all the safe sleep precautions I knew of. After this particular stretch of inability to sleep, I was incredibly irritable. Not at anyone in particular just not feeling great.

I remember my birth mother smirking at me and saying, "Now you know how I felt. Being a mother isn't that great, is it?"

And I just remember how shocked and appalled I was that any mother could be HAPPY about their own child struggling with motherhood? Like she hated me for being born and making her a mother and wanted me to feel the regret and hatred she felt towards me.

I love my son so fucking much. I have had to make so many sacrifices for him but NEVER have I once blamed him?? He's innocent. He didn't ask to be here. I made the choice to be a mother and though sometimes yeah it gets hard and I wish for alone time or the ability to have a night out with friends, I have never felt regret about having my son.

That woman who birthed me just disgusts me for a myriad of reasons but I don't think I'll ever get over that encounter.