NSister is 30F, I am 34M. We experience two different sets of the same parents, who are both N or N-adjacent. I've spent a lot of time in therapy. My sister has not. I've tried to use the lessons I've learned to acknowledge my own faults and become closer to her. We have not achieved closeness.

NSister has been awful about her wedding since I had mine -- it was fun, and it was intimate and casual. We had family-only, so there was no official wedding party. The fact that we had no official wedding party has been brought up exhaustively, especially when justifying her decisions not to include me or my wife in her wedding party -- she has six on her side and the groom has five, including his own brother. First it was because it was friends-only, then he wanted his brother as his best man, so it turned into because we were both already married, but then she wanted a married friend in her party, so it became a more of an 'even Steven' situation of fairness.

She is marrying into the perfect family, because he also clearly thinks that I am worthless for no reason other than that she has said so. I am the only immediate family member excluded from the party. Both parents are doing mental gymnastics to justify why I should be fine with this, when in reality, they both know that it's a weird slight, and that I feel excluded and sad.

Any attempt to discuss this directly with NSister has been rebuffed, because she has the grace to not say over text that my wife and I are not sufficiently attractive, in her eyes, to be a part of her bridal party. She is image-obsessed to the point where she uninvited my stepmother from the wedding so that she could pretend our parents were still married. One of her calling cards is making snap decisions about people attending certain events and then excluding them from them. This is not the first time that has happened to me.

Getting information from her has been like pulling teeth, unless it's dumped on us with short notice and an immediate need for tasks or favors. Both my wife and I have extended ourselves heavily to assist with the logistics. Setting boundaries on unreasonable requests ("Sorry, I can't drive X hours away to get that fragile floral arrangement -- I said already that I have work that day") gets those requests pushed back to NMom, who already feels inadequate in the eyes of her most powerful NMIL, and then the boundaries are made to be the center of the issue. ("Why can't you just help your sister?") The goalposts just get pushed to meet the narrative of critique -- when it's clear I've been helpful, the problem is that I'm not enthusiastic enough. Why am I not texting her to reiterate my loyalty and excitement!? This is the issue on everyone's minds instead of having a happy and pleasant event.

I guess I'm writing this because I'm exhausted and I'm sad. I'm sick of being trotted out for my resources and expertise, and then shoved back in the shadows. I'm not looking forward to this at all. There's going to be a point during the wedding when I'm going to look around at everyone and think to myself, "So this is how my adult relationships with my family shook out after all that time. Bummer," and it's going to be really sad. I'm not looking forward to fielding questions from my nosy relatives as to why I was completely cut out of the wedding but still in attendance as a guest. I'm not looking forward to feigning happiness for photos.

The cherry on top is that she's moving to my home state after this and is bent out of shape that I haven't been sufficiently enthusiastic about that, either -- I have no reason to be excited for someone so mean-spirited, vapid, exclusionary, and passive-aggressive to be closer to me.

Does anyone have any resources for surviving an event where your N is the center of attention, or for grieving sibling relationships? I feel like I'm at a juncture where I need to give up and accept that this is never going to go the way I had hoped it would and cut my losses.

NC is not an option (I'll lose both parents too); grey rock is. My plan is to grey rock after the wedding to best preserve my time and space when she moves closer.