All familiar crap— two N”parents”, a lifetime of weaponized gifts or being denied what I actually wanted. (I’d get a coat, but not the coat I actually wanted. Clothes in a size too small because I was “fat.” “I know you mentioned X, but you didn’t really want that and I liked this better.” And no, just stop, money was not an issue. ) As a result, I stopped ever saying what I wanted or making up a Christmas list despite MAJOR pressure and disapproval from them because fuck y’all if I don’t ask for something you can’t purposefully withhold it.

Fast forward and I am the asshole (legitimately) because I won’t say or even allude to what it is I might like for any occasion and I’m making MY family’s life difficult. So I’ve been working on this. I’ve verbalized where my bullshit was coming from, I agreed that it was MY bullshit, and I’ve MADE myself behave differently. I actually made a Christmas list this year.

So I open my Christmas box from my adoptive, REAL mom (NOT the iNcubatrix) this year and inside is a new pair of sandals to replace the ones my puppy ate. I asked for new ones for Christmas without a lot of specifics. I got exactly the brand, color and style of the ones I lost. She’d seen the destroyed ones exactly twice. I had to leave the room for a few minutes to regain my composure. I may sleep in them.