TW : unaliving This is how it clicked that I was raised by a narc.

November sucks. My step dad-died three years ago on the 11th due to taking his own life. This impacted myself and my Nmom.

I know this impacted her in a way that I don't fully understand since I have not lost a SO that way. How ever, he was an important part of my life and I lost him as well.

When he died, I took the time to text her every day. Either "drink some water" "I love you" "makes sure to have some food today", you know just trying to encourage her and remind her that she still has people around and they are there to support her.

She calls and goes on "no one loves me." "No one cares how I'm doing" "no one would care if I died". Like saying really uncalled for things.

This hurt so frickin bad I don't even know how to explain it. I cried and asked if I was good enough and she replied with a collected "no". Explains that she doesn't want me and that she wants HIS family to pay attention to her. Yesterday she was complaining to me.

I get it when people are grieving they can say some messed up stuff, but this wasn't her grieving this was an honest answer. It hit my like a fright train. All the times where she has always made it about her. Like this isn't even about me, but the fact that she used my step-dad's death to go woe is me.. it sickens me.

Someone taking their life is one of the hardest things to deal with and I am trying to be understanding to her emotions. But for her to act that way is unacceptable..

So instead of being able to try and remember him in this month, I can't help but have that interaction go through my mind all the time. As if she knows it's not about her.