As the title says, I consider myself a person who doesn’t get angry. Frustrated, maybe, yes. But not angry.

I knew it’s because of my nmother. She has severe anger issues and punished and ridiculed me for expressing even the slightest bit of displeasure. I became a doormat and a people pleaser. I only got angry on rare occassions when in fights with her or when things had been boiling up for months. And even then I only got passive-aggressive. I can count the times I yelled out of anger on one hand. And I knew it wasn‘t healthy but anger makes me feel incredibly guilty so I just avoid it like the plague.

Now, I‘ve been put on new medication and this specific medication makes me easily irritated and annoyed. I‘m angry constantly. I don‘t know myself like this. I feel like I‘ve transformed into a different person. For the first time in my life I threw a pillow across the room and destroyed some empty cartons.

Let me say, I don‘t dislike this change entirely. As a doormat and people pleaser I can use a bit more anger. Some people need to be told to fuck off here and there. But it‘s….very uncomfortable. As I said, I dont know myself like this. And I don‘t know how to handle it yet. I can‘t tell what‘s too much letting it out and what‘s too much holding it in or how to release it in healthy ways. I don‘t want to throw pillows across the room. And going for an angry walk feels incredibly silly and humiliating. And I‘m usually too angry to write it out in my journal.

I don‘t want to transform into an angry guy. That‘s not me. I‘m not the „guy in his early twenties with anger issues who punches walls“. But I‘m worried. I don‘t know what to do with this.

I could try and switch medications but at the same time maybe addressing and learning how to deal with it helps me and might make anger a „safe“ emotion to have again.