I want to be careful as I don't want to put a label on someone just because I disagree with them, but my mentor made we aware of something and it gave me pause. I mentioned to him how she threatened to cut contact with me if I did not meet her demands because I argued with her. My mentor, who was not perfect but he is real and admits he is not perfect, and he has been like a father to me.

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I have been working on self acceptance lately and realized anything that was not straight edged was considered trash by my mom. I tried to write a lot of stuff off, as she says she says or does a lot of stuff because of my high functioning autism, but then I realized my fear of judgement of the opposite sex stems from my mom saying people will judge me for X or Y. Further she says we are all on the spectrum. Again some of this I am not sure if it is naivety or is bordering on being a bit narcissistic.

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Honestly , it feels like I am put off by so many things because of her. Religion, hobbies, or other things because they are not practical, they are of the devil, or they make me look weirder than I already am (my working, but that is the implications). I had mentioned I wanted to build a plane. I do owe money, so obviously I have to wait on that. She then said that is impractical. Then I mentioned I wanted to go to a rock concert, as it was one of the only things were I feel like I belong and people don't judge me. Oh that is of the devil. Lord forbid I menton Carl Jung or anything metaphorical. Anything metaphorical or even remotely connected to the dark state of tr human condition is demonic. Lord forbid you mention CS Lewis, probably one of the only Christian authors that does not seem entirely delusional.

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I can get her concern with me not wanting to fall into a cult or some weird BS, but where is the nuance? I mentioned I might visit an Orthodox church and instead of congratulating me on trying to repair my faith, oh are they spirit filled? No but they are not judgemental jackasses like you. That is the other thing, give everything to God. Well here is the thing, let's assume there is a wonderful and perfect God. He knows I am on the spectrum, he created me how I am, he can meet me where I am. So why am I judged for being intellectual?

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The other thing is despite being libertarian in my outlook, unless it is Trump basically my ideas are kinda trash. It also got me thinking about an interesting scenario. So I have been mulling over the positive thought movement (which can be hit or miss honestly), but I mentioned Norman Vincent Peele. Her point basically is he is a New Age cultist. But if you know anything about him, he was Trump's preacher growing up. I have noticed various contradictions in her beliefs. Or take the 6000 year earth belief. She always kinda railed against Christian Scientists, but guess who made tr 6000 year old earth popular and encouraged Evangelicals to support it? Just google and wikipedia it.

As I have dated in the past, I mulled over how archetypes can affect our relationships with the outside world. I sucked at dating, but besides the hfa, I thinking worrying about being judged because women might think my ideas are kooky or that my hobbies are goofy. However I realized this might be due to the archetype of my mom. With my dad, he passed away when I was young and I have no issues talking to guys about my issues. Also there have been random acts of kindness that made me reassess some assumptions about the opposite sex. One of the biggest eye openers was talking to a coworker about stuff I bottled up as I thought no one would want to talk about it (investing, business, etc.). I think realizing I have been a negative sour puss for a bit because I have to hold everything in, less someone make fun of me for being my true self. After reevaluating positive thought, I realized that all that hiding and negativity was from hurt and fear and that fear was controlling me, instead of my positive self. I realized I may screw up for having brain chemistry outside my control and that was ok because I was trying my best and with some planning and focusing on things that are achievable instead of things that are a waste of time (negative thoughts, plans that did not work out, regrets), I could be a happier person and not for just shits and giggles, but for reasons that are actually logical.

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This brings me to my final point. On one hand she seemed to care about me by homeschooling me and trying to take me to get help with my issues related to hfa. However, it makes me wonder if it is a poison pill so she can control my life. She says she does not want to control my life and she just does X and Y because she cares, but if I look at how she is critical of how I spend my time (grown men should not be playing video games or oh x or Y is demonic), I can see how I became straight laced and how it is a miracle that I even snapped out of that just a tad (drank and smoked weed a bit as an example). I worked my ass off because of this, but as I transit my late 20s, I can't help but think the real me has been somewhat repressed because I had to hide hobbies or goals. And even if I have a positive goal (say have enough money to buy a particular sports team), she says that is delusional. But tr fact of the matter was success was the only thing that kept me from offing myself when I was younger. But her response? Just have a normal life. Gee thanks mom. It is almost like I don't have a different biochemistry than most people.

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I don't want to 180 everything I was ever taught as that can be just as toxic, not even due to X religion being right, but regardless of religion or lack thereof, everyone is part of the human condition. Just because my mom's flavor of Christianity is wrong does not mean it is or is not right for me. So she is right in the sense of not wanting me to go off the deep end (and say join Scientology), but that does not mean everything she says has my best interest at heart.

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Tldr after my mentor brought up some toxic behavior I mentioned to him it made me reevaluate my relationship with my mother even more and reading about positive thought made me realize how my mom went after my dreams unless it was in a 4X4 matrix. Sorry for the string of text. If you have any questions feel free to ask.

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