I've been no-contact with my mother for 8 months. About a month ago I told my dad that I believed he and I could still have a relationship, but that it would not include her. Today, he told me he was sorry that he forgot to tell me to text my mom on Sunday. I told him I knew what day it was then, it was a conscious decision, and that it wouldn't have made a difference. When he asked if I would have done it as a favor to him, I said, "No dad, that's not how boundaries work."

I posted a while ago about how I confronted my enabler father for failing to protect me and my sisters from my raging narcissist mother's violent outbursts. The two of them have an agreement that he is not allowed to speak poorly of her to us, which is part of the reason we never realized her behavior wasn't normal. The one time I, as a child, dragged him by his hand to where my mom was physically beating my sister, when he did intervene, he screamed at my sister and told her she was deserving of punishment. He is so desperate to appear to be on the same side as her that he would neglect us just to avoid potentially upsetting her.

I sympathize for the man, but I'm done with him. He's worthless as a father and failed at every opportunity to be a male-role model to me. I once admired his loyalty, but today he reminded me how warped his views on loyalty are.

I am sad that he feels guilty for "forgetting" to tell me to text her. I am sad that I don't think I can teach him how to stop internalizing his wife's narcissistic criticisms. I'm sad that he's going to think of me as unloyal to him for standing by my boundaries. I'm sad that he probably had a worse day because I didn't text her.

And though I'm sad, I'm at least not feeling guilty.

It's not my fault my father only lives to supply my mother's demand. It's not my fault that my father doesn't know what a healthy relationship looks like. It's not my fault that I can't save him from her.