Just sitting here wondering why I am the way I am.

When I was 18 I was diagnosed with ADHD which we later found out was wrong & that I am actually Bipolar 1 (the more manic one). But that's not all, folks! I actually ALSO have a freaking personality disorder, Borderline, that is caused by early childhood trauma.

Most of my adulthood I figured that early childhood trauma was when my younger twin sisters were born but now that I'm getting older I'm starting to wonder if it's not just that, but also how they always compared us & somehow belittled me about my weight SOMEHOW... not necessarily saying that outright, but hinting towards it and I am not dumb.

My mom always would confess to me that she thought my dad was a narcassist but now that I'm almost 40, I'm starting to see the traits I see & fear in my father, also in my mother. Yipee.

My mom was always the only one that took my side in fights, the only one to visit me in the psych ward & actually understand the doctors orders. My dad once asked, after many medicated years, how many more years I'd have to take psych meds for & me & my mom just laughed.

Honestly I think I am starting to resent him bc I think HE MADE ME LIKE THIS. And it makes me not like him, not want to be around him. I was never good enough. And I am so fucking tired of this same shit, different day bullshit.

They have both been so insanely overprotective & controlling of me. They were never like that with my sisters. I always figured it was because I have a mental health issue & they don't, but now I am beginning to think otherwise.

For example; A few years ago my male cousin was to get married on a cruise ship & we'd have to fly to Florida to board it. My parents told me that I shouldn't go bc I wouldn't fit thru the hallways of the ship & that I'd have to order 2 plane tickets bc 1 standard economy seat on a plane wasn't going to be big enough for me. This hurt my feelings super badly. But bc I am also poor & on a fixed income, I decided not to go bc of the expenses.

Anyway, I just don't understand why I crave their validation, approval & attention so much?! It will never be how I want it to be. Why do I have to always try so fucking hard?! When I am away from them for an extended period of time I get extremely lonely, depressed & sad until I reunite with them & they say something rude to offend me & bring back that constant feeling of pain & not feeling good enough for them. Then I typically snap back into reality for a few days until they go away again & the cycle continues.

But yeah, is anyone else's family dynamics the same as mine or similar? What do other children of narcassists do to cope & in general, manage? Any & all encouragement is well appreciated, ty!