I’m completely in shock. My kitten, Tofu, got extremely sick, extremely fast, last week and we were initially told it was an abscess that could be removed but today I was told that he has FelV and FIP and an infection with mycoplasma in the abdominal area. The vet believed the best thing would be to put him to sleep. His chances of surviving with both of those diseases and then an infection were slim, he wouldn’t have any quality of life during the few extra months we could give him.

He drew his last breath this afternoon. I wanted him to live so desperately, but he was in so much pain and stress. I couldn’t prolong that for my own need. I wanted him to live so much. I wanted more time with him.

I got him as a companion earlier this year after I lost my mom to cancer, in exactly three weeks it’ll be the one year death anniversary of my mom, I feel like the universe is playing a cruel joke on me. My only solace is knowing somewhere out there my little baby is now keeping my mom company.

But I’m in so much shock. When I woke up this morning I didn’t know he would be dying this afternoon. It kills me he never got a proper chance at life. 7 months is just too short.

Coming home to an empty house is the most awful feeling I’ve ever experienced, I completely broke down when I saw his water fountain, I got it a month ago and he loved it, but he’ll never drink from it again and I’ll never need to wash it for him again. I just bought so many toys for him that he will never get to play with. And so many snacks he will never get to enjoy.

Not having him meowing at my feet for his evening meal feels awful. Not having him sit on the counter while I brush my teeth feels awful. Knowing I don’t need to keep my bedroom door open tonight feels awful. Knowing I’m not going to wake up to his purring and his cold wet nose on my face is awful. I can’t believe my baby is gone forever.

I’m sorry this is so long and depressing. I just need someone out there to know he existed. And that I love him so so so much