I'll preface this with the fact that on the surface I'm married. At least, that's what the general public thinks. I need to keep up the persona for my job, so there's a lot of photos of me with my "wife" out there. Please don't let that deter you. It's purely for show, for those typical Christian conservatives that you need to appease as you can't be trusted unless you have a loving wife hanging off your arm like some sort of media sock puppet.

Frankly, I think it's degrading to a woman to have to reduce themselves to "the wife of ____". She's really her own person, she has her own thoughts, feelings, and definitely her own sexuality. The thing is, me and my wife really don't have the same interests when it comes to anything behind closed doors. Our marriage has been nothing more than a sham for decades, and we've been seeing other people for many years now, which I'm more than OK with. I don't have much interest in her sexually, so the least I can do is give her the permission to get what she needs elsewhere.

Part of this is because I'm a pretty busy man. I work a lot, so dating is something I only do very occasionally, and with my very public facing job, it's one of those things that needs to be done discreetly. I run my own business which is one of the largest International brands for well over a century now. Keeping up with it all is a stressful job and to be honest, I'm fairly sure some of my employees are banging my wife. They get the job done for me (and, apparently my wife too as she always has a smile on her face), so as far as I'm concerned this makes for good business (and marriage). After all, she's into MMMMMMF scenarios, specifically when many men cover her with their seed like the fountains at the Bellagio. I just can't do that for her as I'm just one feeble man.

As for me, I really only get out of the house once a year and today is it. I think of it as a hall pass. If you don't know what that means, there's a hilarious movie with Owen Wilson and Jason Sudeikis that totally explains it. Except, I really have free reign over my comings and goings. Despite this, I like to keep to tradition and only run around once a year. I'm hoping I can find someone special, is it you?

When it comes to me, I'm a pretty simple guy to please. If you let me eat your cookie, and maybe take a couple sips of your milk, I typically consider that a good time. I'm firm in stature, a bit portly, but how I carry myself is iconic - in fact, I may have even set some trends for how I look. I don't like to brag, but it's not often that I'm unable to please someone. I do get around.

I should warn you that I do have a tendency to like entering the "dirty" way. As such, I'm hoping you'd be willing to do a little housekeeping in the old coal chute, if you know what I'm saying. Once I'm in I usually don't take long. Mom's are my favorite, and I'm always down to give a yummy one a kiss. One time one of the kids saw us and went on to tell the world about it through what's now a worldwide known song. Anyways, I'm really more of an "in-and-out" kind of guy as you know how the age old saying goes "time is money".

Tonight, I'm hoping I can spend a little more time with someone special. Get to know them, ask how their year has been, let them sit on my lap, and we can share some of our more intimate secrets together. If things go well, and especially if you've been a good girl for me, I do have a very special gift to give. You see, I've been saving the best present of all in my massive sack, one that's been sitting there all year, for one very special person.

Oh gee!! It's already past my starting time, I need to get on the road, but please do leave me a message with your name. I already know where you live, so maybe I'll drop in when I get to your neighbourhood. Here's a few pictures of me, some of which were with past partners (to prove I'm not lying about actually being able to attract other women).

https://imgur.com/a/uOgpft4

Will you be my ho ho ho tonight? I only come once a year, and as much as I ask you to be nice all year, tonight I'll let you be knotty.

PS: Please don't be alarmed if I show up with like 9 other dudes. They're perfectly harmless, I'll leave them outside, and I wouldn't be surprised if they got into some games like Monopoly while they were waiting for us to finish up. I'm sorry if they defecate on your lawn (or roof - sometimes we park up there, too).