Dear Women

I'm everything you've ever dreamed about. Modern & sexy with all my own teeth & have a mattress full of oblong green bits of printed paper given to me by an old dead taxidermist I knew; she always knew where to stuff it.

Such an emotional inheritance is only one of the trials I've had to endure, along with American spellings; suffice to say it's been hard but I've made it through, thank goodness.

What did I spend the money on? Good question! I've accumulated an extensive and valuable assortment of glass eyes. What was left I spent on a complementary collection of prosthetic limbs. People are impressed when I tell them and normally spend a considerable period with me discussing it in more detail - if they have time of course.

Modern living can be so busy and hectic – although I still find time to make my favourite and much acclaimed and requested salmon puttanesca (but I'm not sure I'm allowed to link to it here - but if you're a thinking/searching Redditor I'm sure you'll be able to reward yourself and find my photo and instructions for it)

Women friends?? - Glad you asked…

.. Yes it's been odd; I've had a mixed time of sorts with females in the past - but I think if any of them were still alive they would probably agree most of the arguments were started by them. I'd like to think that in hindsight they might regret being so difficult. I split up with my last girlfriend because she wouldn't even let me do an intercourse on any of her friends.

So you're interested? I thought so.

My ideal meeting place for our first date would be somewhere neutral where we could get to know each other without pressure. I suggest a meal at my apartment. You might bring an overnight bag as there's a reasonable chance you'll be keen to stay over - let me put it this way, I've over two dozen stuffed owls you can view from the comfort of my bunk bed.

Speaking of home, I spend a lot of time in the toilet. I like the acoustics and it's also where I do most of my life planning.

I meet most people in the usual fashion, but if you have any kinky ideas I could be up for it and I'll try anything once as long as it doesn't have a greater than 30% chance of killing me.

I can be taken most places in public but failing this you can always lead me back to the same deserted spot where you've buried all your previous victims.