Guess who's back.. back again.. My apologies, this post is a little meta.. something like "an essay reflecting on my r4r experience so far"... I hope it's interesting!

People have told me that going fishing isn't about catching fish, rather it's about the process of getting away, appreciating the simple things such as being outdoors, away from work and responsibilities, and free to talk shit and waste time. Having never caught a fish, I've found fishing pretty boring - there are better ways to enjoy a day in nature than spending time threading works onto barbed hooks with cold oily fingers - in my humble opinion-.

Fishing is still an apt metaphor for the experience of posting on r4r, or using a dating app such as Hinge. You prepare the bait and then you wait. It's not the most romantic characterisation, is it? But I think it is a useful analogy - for example one could think about what sort of fish you might catch by using different bait.

Irl I am a very straight-laced person on the surface - I am quiet, thoughtful, humble and respectful. When I was in my late teens and early 20s I was so hungry to show people how cool and eccentric and rebellious I was, but as I've gotten older, I've developed more and more layers of facade. Only people I know and trust get to hear my inner thoughts or share in more reckless pursuits with me. Often I find that I end up receiving interest from women who don't really share some of my core values because they see only someone who is reliable and polite.

Posting here, I've tried something different, embracing the pseudonymity and putting my more controversial personal attributes first - allowing people to see in my post history what sorts of sexual fantasies I have, even though I cringe in the certainty that many people probably won't appreciate the context of those posts and assume that I'm a misogynist. Also, being open about the fact that I believe that there is an appropriate time and place for safe and healthy drug use, such as using mdma as a way to deepen and strengthen bonds in close personal relationships, or using mushrooms as a way to step outside routine habits of thought to gain perspective on where we are in our lives and how we behave towards the things we value.

Responses I've received have been varied - one person told me no woman would ever be interested in me if they saw my NSFW post history; one person was specifically intrigued by my post history and was seeking a sexual relationship outside her existing marriage; one person thought I sounded thoughtful and wrote, despite being turned off by my nsfw content, but we clearly had mismatched personalities; and there have been others who I wouldn't want to call out here lest they feel that I'm passing judgement on them, which is not my intention.

In retrospect it isn't surprising that emphasising the things about myself I expect to be undesirable has attracted people who are similarly feeling down about their circumstances - living with parents, struggling with employment, or dealing with substance abuse issues. The true irony is my own hypocrisy in evaluating my own circumstances charitably, as things which are justified by valid reasons, while jumping to conclusions about how others have come to be in their circumstances. How can I have the audacity to feel like I deserve x, y or z when it is clear that the 'bait' I am prepared to post is not attracting that calibre of person?

Alas, I think many people suffer from this sort of double standard in online dating, where we're sure we deserve better than we get - but when we match with someone who is up to our standards, we're often the one they feel they deserve better than.

What really matters in a match? I wish I could say I earn six figures, that I can offer a stable life in a beautiful modern home and annual international family vacations. But that would definitely be false, and not even something I would want. What I can offer is loyalty, reliability, respect, support and the attitude of a team player. I can't offer financial stability, a modern home and regular vacations, but I also don't buy into the narratives that suggest these things are necessary, or even important.

What's more important to you? Material wellbeing or spiritual wellbeing? I grew up in a household where I rarely got given the things I asked for because my parents couldn't afford them, but they always had food in the fridge and time to spend together as a family.

Notice what I did there? I framed it in a way that throws shade at women who conform to stereotypes of being attracted to material wealth and financial stability - all the while I am glossing over my own superficiality and the reality that I am at least as guilty of conforming to stereotypes of being attracted to physical beauty.

This is long enough. Who is going to read this and reply? Probably no one... but like they say, fishing isn't about catching fish 🤣😅