Things I don't want:

-your money (I am not willing to be your sugar baby)

-a relationship (not even one date)

-children (if you can't legally drink, you're too young)

-unwashed dick (if I need to explain, you're too nasty to fuck)

-pet names (I'm not your baby or your honey, and if you're too disrespectful to avoid calling me anything but my name, you are once again too nasty to fuck)

-old men (if you're old enough to have taught me in middle school, why are you creeping on women young enough to have been your students?)

-couples (cannot stress enough how gross it is for you to try to pressure a living human who has never asked for group sex into being your sex doll)

-unfaithful men (I don't care about your dead bedroom, and it will not make me pity you)

-foot play (I'm ticklish)

-bestiality (ew)

-CNC (I do not know you bro)

-ageplay (see above)

-necrophilia (Ew²)

-car play

Things I don't care about:

-your height (if you make it a thing about your height when a woman who doesn't know your height rejects you, you're the reason you can't get laid)

-your dick size (see above)

-your job (I am not marrying you)

-your homeownership (still not marrying you)

-your income (definitely not marrying you)

-your weight (that's your doctor's problem, not mine)

-your vasectomy (condoms are non-negotiable

Things I want:

-a reasonable adult conversation (dirty talk in the first message is not reasonable or respectful)

-a good dicking down orgasm (good means you make an effort and don't whine if it takes longer than ten minutes. The dicking down might happen if you actually put sincere effort in instead of ringing my clit like a doorknob for 30 seconds)

-potentially a FWB if the until hookup goes well

-someone who knows what hole women pee from (your lack of sex ed isn't my problem)

-someone who is willing and able to read the damn post(what's your favorite ice cream? I'll know you didn't read it if you don't answer the question)

-someone who has a close relationship with their shower (you need to use soap to wash everything, including your feet and legs)

-a first message that says more than "hi"

-someone who's able to host

Things I am/have:

-fat titties (fat everything, actually)

-very short (I won't let my doctor measure me since he said I was finally 5'0 just in case he got it wrong)

-bisexual

-curly hair (short, fluffy)

-a shit ton if condoms (they're latex and you can keep the leftovers because I don't use them fast enough to finish them before they expire)

-a full bush (shaving itches)

-one (1) available weekend day and one (1) available weekday

-open to trying new kinks (but if I've tried it before and didn't like it I'm not changing my mind)

-very little patience (I will block you if you ignore the lists)