I’m in a marriage that’s been going on for over 20 years, and while my wife is a good woman in many ways—an excellent mother, a great caretaker, and a generally decent wife—I’ve never felt truly loved by her. I’ve tried to communicate my emotional and physical needs, but it always seems to fall on deaf ears. Over time, she’s chosen to dictate the terms of our marriage and dismiss anything that doesn’t align with her thinking, including my sexual and emotional needs.

I’ve been in therapy, trying to figure out why I can’t connect with her the way I need to. Therapist was able to unpack a lot of things for me. I took it to heart and made my mission to fix things by changing myself: Be present. Emotionally and mentally. Talk. Go down the alley which I feared earlier. Before having a reaction, slow down and identify the trigger. Apply NVC (Non Violent Communication). Find humor and be playful. Help her without needing to be asked. Be a friend. Show genuine interest in her hobbies (I actually picked up a baking book). Eat right, exercise, groom, practice good hygiene, dress nicer.

I came to realize 2 things about her (1) She is simply asexual and (2) She has lot of personal issues she is not willing to work on.

So, I moved on and found an AP. We have had amazing experiences—long, passionate, fulfilling sessions where I could finally feel desired and wanted. Majority of them were talks and not physical at all. But when it comes to my wife, I just can’t make myself feel anything. I freeze, I get anxious, and I feel trapped in my own body, unable to respond. It’s a really hard place to be, and I’m constantly torn between guilt and frustration.

I’m not seeking to leave my family or destroy my marriage. But I do need something more. I’m looking for a discreet connection with someone who understands the emotional complexities of being in a marriage where love and desire are lacking, yet where responsibilities and family ties still hold. If you can relate to this and understand that this is about filling a void I can’t fill elsewhere, I’d love to talk and see if we connect.

I need someone who is also craving the feel of being wanted and desired, who can offer a genuine, emotional and physical connection without judgment. If this resonates with you, feel free to reach out.