I am in a deadbedroom. Conventional wisdom is that its not libido mismatch but how you treat your partner. I said "ok, let me do everything I can". Started therapy and I opened up with my therapist, like I have never before.

Therapist was able to unpack a lot of things for me. I took it to heart and made my mission to fix things by changing myself.

• Be present. Emotionally and mentally
• Talk. Go down the alley which I feared earlier
• Before having a reaction, slow down and identify the trigger
• Apply NVC (Non Violent Communication)
• Find humor and be playful
• Help her without needing to be asked
• Be a friend
• Show genuine interest in her hobbies (I actually picked up a baking book)
• Eat right, exercise, groom, practice good hygiene, dress nicer.

There is much more but that's the gist.

Its been a good 1 year and things havent improved in bedroom. Like at all.

I came to realize 2 things about her (1) She is simply asexual and (2) She has lot of personal issues she is not willing to work on (she has denied couple's therapy)

This is why I am looking outside the marriage. My emotional and physical needs are not met.

I have been looking for a while. I have had a few chats, a few meetups but havent found a match yet. Here are few reasons

• Logistics didn't work
• Communication frequency mismatch
• Disregard for tight OPSEC
• We were looking for something different

In all cases I got the feedback: thoughtful, smart, kind, nice, even handsome, cute and don't look my age.

I am not trying to brag here but trying to paint the full picture.

I have come to realize, this lifestyle only works if

• We both know what we want
• What we dont
• We are both honest with each other (hence this post)
• Give attention other person deserves.
• Be genuinely curious.
• Treat with respect and dignity.
• Both of us are going out on a limb here and ghosting/faking/flaking is last thing we want.

A question I get asked: why not leave? Its not that easy, happy to share why on chat.

Little bit about me (more in my previous post):

• In 40s, married, dad of 2.
• 5'10, 175lbs, salt and pepper full head of hair, brown eyes, thoughtful, kind and handsome (from potential APs)
• Live and work in Seattle area, stable career
• Enjoy the outdoors, biking, playing pickleball
• Enjoy intellectually simulating talks, discussing books.
• Drug & disease free, don't drink, but enjoy the company over food / drink.
• Big sci-fi nerd and into lot of board games.
• Seeking exclusivity.

About you: Also married, ideally w kids. Looking for friend first, emotional connection and then anything else, not fake/flake. Prefer someone close to my age. Within 2 hours of Seattle. Also seeking exclusivity.

Happy to swap pics early on so we dont waste each others time.