Just so that we're on the same page - the title is satire. I swear I'm a relatively cheery guy and not looking to be hurt (again). Anyway...

Hello there, I appreciate you taking the time to read my post and I hope you're having a splendiferous week. I've been considering recently what exactly I want out of my day to day meanderings and someone to share my life and efforts with would be nice. I very much enjoy engaging with new people and learning about them with a view to see if things could progress. I live alone so the monotony of routine can sometimes get a little... well... monotonous? My robot vacuum is reticent to engage in much chit chat with me these days and has actually withdrawn and gotten quite bitter. It's not a healthy relationship.

About me

• Condiment connoisseur
• Is open to taking a contrarian stance on most subject matters in the interest of debate
• Will humour you when you tell me you enjoy bad things
• Has very strong opinions on pizza toppings
• Is not very good at knowing when to use italics
• Not nearly as jealous as my name makes me out to be (but still a little bit)
• Exemplary taste in Shapes flavours (ask me for my tier list)
• Is a staunch supporter of peeing in the shower
• Freshly grown grass scent enthusiast
• Enjoys playing a variety of games (board, video, card, mind etc)

Things I can offer

• I have the wit of a freshly sharpened crayon
• I am generally a positive and uplifting influence who attempts to see the good side in most situations (don't quote me on this if things go wrong or if my cynicism becomes overbearing)
• I have bad taste in women (this may not be a plus)
• I will do my best to match your energy, be a good active listener, ask leading questions and understand the cadence and direction of our conversations
• I am the proud owner of big boy pants (and underwear)
• I can make a restaurant quality pasta (the restaurant is Domino's)
• I have a treasure trove of interesting eclectic knick knacks I could show you
• Will try my best to laugh with you and not at you after I poke fun at you
• Will let you win once at board games and then mercilessly destroy you

Also I'm 5'8ish, average build with short dark head/facial hair and olive skin.

What I'm looking for

I'm pretty loose on requirements but a person with a decent sense of humour, capability to not take themselves too seriously and an appetite for dinner (I have way too much uncooked pasta) would be welcome. Shared interests are not necessary but you'll get an extra point for those. I'm open to a whole host of possibilities but aiming for something on the longer term end of the spectrum, though am open to just meeting some fun people along the way. That said I do however have a very stringent non-negotiable requirement for you

• Exists

So if any of what I've typed catches your interest then send me one of those neat redditchats and we can take it from there :)