Are you tired of dating around? Tired of getting to know people and growing attached, only for them to grow distant over simple misunderstandings? Sick of breaking the ice and awkward small talk with people who aren't remotely interested in getting to know you? Have you waited patiently for decades for the right person to show up, but never seem to find anyone you're remotely excited to spend time with? Ready to give up, but unable to bury the hope that has kept you moving forward all these years? Wanna just skip the bullshit and trust again? Well, your name might be Eli House, because you're probably me. In the rare chance that you're somehow NOT me, but also qualitatively encapsulated by the former hypotheticals, then I'm likely worth a message or two.
Odds are, you're waiting for someone like me to message you, too.

Congratulations!

Congratulations!

Congratulations!

Congratulations!

Congrats.

conglaturation

Contrgaioulnats.

Ouuweahwwheouauuwhwweeeeeeeee

So, you wanna read this big wall of text? I wouldn't recommend it, I'm pretty much an expert at wasting people's time on senseless nonsense. It's basically my whole career. I'm honestly a dead ringer for shaggy doo from that 70's show. That's all you need to know. Just skip to the links for the tldr or whatever. Be advised, ahead I give a full disclosure of who I am fr forreal, and it's not gonna be some light reading. It's for the real nigs who actually care about "emotional maturity" and "self-actualization" and other pointless shit like that. Only read it if you can tolerate a little bitch crybaby backstory. Only read it if you really want to know who I am. Why I'm here. Don't say I didn't warn you.
I'm serious, skip it.

I'm about to get real.

​

Here goes...
Once upon a December I was the talk of the town; a veritable social butterfly. Not exactly "popular," I am FAR too eccentric to ever be one of the "in crowd," but I was friends with literally everybody. I was the life of every party, I was the loudest one in the stands, and I was always happy to see you. I always had a smile on my face, I always initiated conversations with new people to bring them in... I was the friend who messaged you randomly just because I hadn't heard from you in a while, and I wanted to be sure you were okay. I was the one guy you could count on to drop everything to help my friends if there was anything in my power to do. Because it was the right thing to do! I mean, it only makes sense; if I help you today, when I need help you'll probably do the same to me, right? Everyone thinks exactly the way I do, there's no way I could be the only one who lived and breathed for other people's happiness. We all have each other's best interests at heart. No way this could ever blow up in my face.
It wasn't all bad, though. I loved my acquaintances, hundreds of them as they were, and they enjoyed me, as well. Who needs commitment when you're having so much fun! Parties and pubs and pranks and perplexities. Never a moment's rest for this guy. I never dated, because I figured I was too young for that stuff, and decided to focus on school; a decision I absolutely don't regret, but I never realized just how much harder it is to meet people when you get out of school and college. Since then it's been one casual fling to another, over and over, and frankly I just got sick of it all. Yo-yo dating, I call it—Absolutely emotionally exhausting is another way to put it.
I gave all my energy to people who didn't think twice about whether I existed or not, and when I realized that, it crushed me.

It burned me out.

It wasn't what I expected. I always tried my best to make things work, but nothing ever lasts. I just got tired... I stopped meeting up with friends, I gave up most of my hobbies, started focusing on me(at least that's what I called it). Eventually, it got to the point where I'd put down my phone on Sunday, and when I checked on Thursday, there would be no change.

For a time, that was refreshing! I do understand the need to distance myself from that toxic echo chamber, but something about the sensation of being involved, and actively engaging with other people; feeling desired, and respected; having long conversations at 3 in the morning about whatever popped into our minds—I miss it... and I'm trying to break out of this cycle of loathing.

It's been about 4 years since my last relationship, and it's probably going to be another 10 before I find someone worth settling down with, but I wanna have friends again. I wanna BE friendly! I want to text someone my age who's genuinely excited to hear from me, again! I want to be the one good thing in someone's life, who they can always count on to say something nice, or listen when they're going through a tough time, or brighten someone's day with surprise bagels, or chill in a quiet room with someone reading a book because I know I don't have to perform acrobatics to keep their attention. We're best friends, and even in the dead silence we're having the time of our lives, just because I am here! and you're here! And we're both here together! FINALLY! Welcome back!

I have always been a light in the dark, I just need to remember that again.

My name is Eli, and I'm a little bit different. I'm a little bit awkward, and I don't always speak words the way you want to hear the sentence be made heard. I always speak my mind, and I never lie; even when it's inconvenient. Muscular, silly, and charming are all adjectives that apply to someone much more popular with the ladies than I am. But two out of the three ain't bad. Which two of these apply to me? You'll just have to message me and find out 😉👉🏾 I'm meticulous, effervescent, circumlocutory, and I spend most of my spare time reading. Like, I'm always reading. Bro. I'm reading right now.
I look like this, I sound like this, I'm 5'10 or 178 cm (of course I know metric I'm not an animal), I have a degree in Molecular Physics, and I can bench 330 lbs.

Fun fact about me, I can put both of my legs behind my head, and no, I can't suck my own dick I always get asked that stop asking me that. Ask me about my hyperfixation with prime numbers or multiples of five, like a good egg. IIIIIIIIII'm a bit of a heath freak, I plan on living to 216 so I kinda have to be(I always say if you want to get in shape, just spend a week with me lol). and I'm a devout believer in a higher power. I'm not quite sure who that power is, but I've witnessed some things that I can't explain, and science can't explain, so I'm all out of options. Avid musician, poet, author, artist, uhhhh Let'sPlay watcher, average peanut m&m enjoyer, webcomic enthusiast(recommend me something good to read and I'm yours), cringe grandpa, tiktok hater, anime hunter, random dancer, pun dealer, hug stealer, bed mealer, tum feeler, carrot peeler, big wheeler, feel healer, horror squealer. I don't know why I decided to make that rhyme, but I guess I'm in a good mood for once.

Expect this and more on your next episode of "What the fuck is up with this guy?"