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So I was watching this podcast on the documentary ādonāt fuck with catsā I had already watched it but I was curious to say what the hosts had to say about this documentary and one of the hostās mentioned something about nature and nurture and patterns and just how not being shown love and attention can fuck you up and I studied psychology so I understand but until today I just really think that
I feel as though I am past saving I am past changing I am ruined at the age of 26 - many will say hey youāre young you have your life ahead of you but after so many years alone like itās a fucking lifestyle its my life and I just started making like a small list of things that have affected me
- lack of love between parents (I donāt know what love is bc of my parents relationship) me having to step up instead of my father to show her love and protection in my head idk if she notices
- Often/always facing the outside world alone
- Education often learned and seemed from the internet Mexican parents and sex and drinking and smoking, life etc
- Growing up and only being surrounded by adults I never really knew about other kids and families and I saw things black and white - often left to figure things out on my own bc of school and language barrier
- Me not being challenged from thinking the ways I do so Iām just always in my head and itās very hard for me to think another way
- Never having long lasting friends
- Never having an emotional intimate relationship
I simply think that I am past changing and past saving and I truly think that I will never have someone to share a genuine walls all the way down connection I donāt see it I canāt imagine it
I have been alone for so long.. and for the rest of my life I will remain this way
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