Heh. Forgive me if this is awkward. Trying something new.

I use reddit a lot to try to meet people. I'm pretty lonely a lot of the time, I guess. I have a high social need, but also social anxiety. The more anxious I am, the harder it is to reach out; the more the negative thoughts, guilt, shame fill me, the less I can justify to myself the act of reaching out.

I guess I'm feeling particularily brave today.

As you can probably imagine, I don't have the greatest of self confidence. I fundamentally know I'm not good enough, somehow. In spite of not having a rational reason, I think I'm the worst. I've fought all my life to convince myself I'm okay. Excelled at math in school. Went on to university, breezed through a computer science degree. Or, well, as much as one can with anxiety. Participated in math and programming competitions - won some of them. Got a good job with a lovely company that really wants to do a lot to keep me. In my free time I participated a lot in social activities at my university. It was an escape from my anxiety; being with people. Yes, I'm an extravert who's scared by people. Not the easiest of combinations.

But I have good periods - great periods - where I am able to control my base anxiety, and live life - achieve - have fun. I have bad periods, where I can barely focus on anything but the ever-present negative thoughts.

I'm working on pulling myself out of a bad period these days. Been working on it most of the year. It's a slow process, but it feels like I'm getting more control as time passes. I have to build up the routines that allow me to be with people. Stuff like joining a club, or finding out automatic ways I can be with people. That's the thing about the anxiety - doing something new is super scary, and takes a lot of time to gather courage for. So I need to expend it wisely. Joining a club of some sort is great for me, is my experience. It takes a lot of effort and courage to go the first time, but once I've tried it once, it becomes less scary, and I can keep going to the following meetings.

It's like there's a speed bump in front of new social things for me, I guess, heh. Once I've gathered speed/courage enough to get over it, things are great.

Anyway, yeah, that's... trying something new.

That's a really weird /r/r4r post you might say. Yeah, I guess it is. I don't have much luck with my normal posts, so maybe my old method is bad. You be the judge. :)