• First things first: I want to meet someone I can settle down with and have babies with. So there's that.

• Second things second: Here's me. I'd love it if you included a picture too.

• Third things third: Please be from North America.

The details:

I'm 45, I live in Austin, TX, and I work remotely for the Federal government. I have a very exciting job leading the team that takes down companies committing fraud on the Obamacare marketplaces. And I'm not being sarcastic, I love it. It's the right mix of being a furious angel of justice and also knowing that I'm helping people. Okay, maybe that's being melodramatic, but you get the idea.

I love to read and write and I most especially like to write young adult fiction. I used to teach high school and then college, so maybe that's why. I have a book out to agents right now. We'll see if they like it.

I could go on for a long time about that stuff, but I think that's good to start with!

And, just to make you laugh, here's some recommendations from friends:

Friend #1: "We talk all the time. I enjoy at least half of the conversation."

Friend #2: "I've never met someone more respectful and less reverent."

Friend #3: "He will tell you all about the triple option if you let him."

Friend #4: "I am so tired of hearing about Pitch Perfect's unexpected depths."

Friend #5: "Maybe one day he'll stop telling us random crime stories about incestuous murderesses. Seriously, I don't care what your dissertation was about, we have to keep the kids away when he comes over."

Friend #6: "What's the use of all of these degrees if he's going to work in insurance regulation?"

Friend #7: "Two stars."

And, just so you don't think I'm being too flippant, here's two actual recommendations:

"As a woman who posted on reddit, he was message number 103, he’s now someone I look forward to talking to everyday."

"If he was a movie on Rotten Tomatoes, he'd have a 97% rating"