Sorry the title was too long but yeah I'm 28 years old and I've never had a girlfriend drink her own piss and spit it on me.

I know some younger men will be reading this thinking "wow, I thought I had it bad, but I'm only 19". Well, I'm just here to tell you it will be okay, bro. I'm almost 30; half my life has passed without a girl swishing her own piss like mouthwash and expectorating her golden fountain over me, and it's not like I've let that get me down. In fact, it's only served to make me a stronger person.

I'm not going to pretend everything is perfect, it's not, but as I build my own self-worth, I lessen my dependence on others, and the urge to act out such a scenario with my inflatable dolphin substitute continues to diminish.

But when I was younger it was very hard. At school I was bullied. Not over this but it made me think how life would be bearable if I just had a girlfriend to sit on my bed with and talk about things and hug and spit her piss in my mouth and read a book together. But like many young men I was deprived of this connection.

People falsely assume that catching a stream of your lover's piss in mid-air and lapping it up like a dog is all about getting off. In reality it's as much about showing your love and commitment to that person. Like hey, if you're ever feeling down, I'll always catch your pee. It's basically like proposing except you can keep doing it, even multiple times in a single night.

So yeah, a prior intense emotional connection with that person is super important - I don't want some drive-by piss shooter, not to be crude. It's not like something I do once and like say "ok I marked that off the list, back to being normal now". It's a fundamental aspect of my being; it's what I understand true lovemaking to be. It's an act I would only ever dream of doing with someone I felt like I wanna spend the rest of my life with, so less than one in five women.

For the men reading this who understand and share my pain, it's important to not let that turn into a problematic attitude. When your girlfriend tells you she's going to continue using the lavatory and ignore your emotional needs, it's very easy to let that spiral into a pure and intense hatred for all women globally. It takes a strong will and a good exercise routine to push through those beliefs we all feel innately, and work to be a better person. Through therapy, I've learnt that making gurgling noises with one's pee and drooling it into the mouth of one's lover is something many do not give a passing thought - some people are very boring.

Sure, some of us are capable of putting others first and, for instance, watching several series of The Walking Dead at the request of our significant other, sitting patiently through the fourth recycling of Morgan's character arc. But others are selfish and unappreciatively continue to drink litres of water in front of you only to use the bathroom normally, even when you've made special effort like loading the dishwasher. If you find yourself in this situation, as I did last night, you just have to be the bigger person and tell them unambiguously "I'M GOING THEN. BYE". Do not play with their feelings any more than necessary when your heart is made up. Respect your own boundaries.

The point is that with years of life experience under my belt, a girl drinking her own piss and spitting it on me is no longer a requirement for me. I am perfectly satisfied walking alone, juggling my inner thoughts, dreams and emotions forever within the confines of my own mind and never sharing them with anyone, and I'm proud to say that thus far it has had no noticeable effect on me.

Any girls who've read through all this and think I could be the one, do not message. I only want those who are absolutely certain.