Now let me ask you—I assume, a normal well-adjusted person—how you would respond if somebody approached you on a dating site claiming to be your sister? You'd think it was a joke, right? To act as an icebreaker, not the best one admittedly but I've had worse. So it probably wouldn't put you off talking to them, as a person you might talk to on a dating site, on the understanding that it was obviously a joke. It wasn't even like she kept saying "I'm your sister", it was only her first message.

We really hit it off. A few weeks later, after casually chatting maybe 2 hours most days, she was like we should totally meet, and maybe go back to [her] place. So I show up at ASDA to meet her (she wanted a public place), and instead of the stunning brunette I've been chatting to, I get ambushed by half a dozen buff men in their early 30s with video cameras and megaphones. First dude is like "why are you at this store today?" as I'm just examining the iceberg lettuces waiting for her to arrive. I'm understandably bewildered and just because I don't instantly reply to his inane question he slams me into the radishes. So my fight or flight kicks in and I'm darting away, leaping through the store, while dude in pursuit is shouting "THIS MAN IS HERE TO MEET HIS SISTER FOR SEX" and precedes to list off half a dozen names of incestophiles he's caught and put behind bars. One of his buddies then leaps onto me like a wild animal from atop a neighbouring aisle, crushing me under his full body weight, before the rest of the group join in, ignoring cries from members of staff to stop and finish me outside away from the produce.

At this point I was bruised and rather dazed; naively I still thought that Amy might show up and tell them all it was a joke. Of course now I understand she wasn't real, but at the time it felt like my only escape from this nightmare situation.

Physically incapacitated, I then endured an agonising interrogation at the hands of these vigilantes, lasting maybe 10 minutes, in which time I admitted to having sent several 'incriminating' messages to Amy, some embarrassing, others totally innocent. For instance, I had asked her if she had a good childhood; the men told me I was 'fucking sick'.

So yeah, absolute nightmare. Worst part is that as I've only been on three dates, this was technically the third best date I've ever been on. I'm hoping that one of you will help me change that. The bar as you can see is quite low so a movie would be fine. Because of the nature of this post, any trolls ('hey bro') will be blocked.