I used to lie about everything. From why I can't come into work, to finishing college and what I did for a living. Growing up my dad did the same. We would visit his family and he would make up these grand lies about him being an architect (He was a construction worker) and my brother and I being in private school (we were not) right in front of us. It changed nearly weekly what he did and how successful my brother and I were in school, sports, everything. By the time I was 17 and moved out I was convinced that being myself was not enough for people to like me. Nobody is going to be impressed by a paramedic who grew up on a farm in a small town.

So I lied. About everything. In every relationship I've ever been in. In every friendship. I spent my time coming up with people I could become that would be interesting and likeable to people.

Two years ago I got a woman pregnant the night I met her at the bar. I lied to her about everything. Something I didn't expect was I fell in love with her. Something I was not even aware I could do by that point. I never wanted kids because of how much I hated my dad for passing this trait down to me. Once my daughter was born, I experienced crushing and unrelenting guilt over the lies. I hated myself for it. I still do. She was the first person to ever call me out on my lies. She noticed the inconsistencies. The minor adjustments to stories to fit the situation. Before her I had a plan for what I would do if I got caught. I would just run away, disappear, and find a new relationship. But I couldn't do that with her. I loved her. I love my daughter. I couldn't leave. So I had to face it.

And it destroyed our life. She wanted nothing to do with me. Thankfully, she is the most graceful person I've ever met and she committed to co-parenting and keeping our relationship cordial for the sake of our child. Far more than I deserve from her. I wouldn't have blamed her for taking our kid and running. After all, I lied about everything, how could she trust me with a child?

That was all about a year ago. At this point, I have not lied about a single thing to a single person since she called me out. On one hand it is extremely freeing to finally be done with the lies. I have no compulsion to lie now that it's finally over. But I have no friends now. I have nobody who I feel like I can talk to without feeling like I am just forcing them to spend time with me and pretend to like me. Why would they? Something I didn't know about quitting lying was that I would be entirely unable to accept that anyone I've lied to could ever care about me again.

So I guess that's why I'm here. I'm hoping to find some online stranger who doesn't know me to talk to and be friends with. I'll be upfront, I'm depressed. I hate myself. I can't even stand being around myself. I can't imagine that there is another person on this earth who could possibly enjoy my company. But I don't want to feel that way. My therapist tells me I am caring and making amazing progress, but she gets paid to say that, so I'm unable to convince myself that is true.

I guess I'm just at a point where I want to be completely honest with someone and see if there are any redeeming factors about myself. I don't know who I am. I have no idea how people actually see me. It's probably a lot to ask from an online friend, but I really don't think there is any other way for me to believe that I'm anything other than completely worthless and a burden on everyone I meet.

I love playing guitar, I'm not great at it, but I've written a few songs and I hope to share them with someone. I love being outdoors and doing things like backpacking, hiking, kayaking, climbing, and really anything else outdoors.

If you're interested in chatting, I truly look forward to hearing from you. I am completely comfortable answering any and all questions about my life and my lies that you are curious about.