Hi r4r, I am once again calling upon you, like Gondor calling for aid, my beacons are lit, the orcs are knocking and I need you to sweep in on your cool horsie and save my sweet cheeks.

Now look, I won't sugar coat it, I'm no gleaming white stoned city, no bastion of humanity, but I will go toe to toe with Shelob at 3am when I am retrieving snacks from the fridge for us to devour in bed. I will fuck that spider up for some of those little cheese wheels.

Currently I'm living in Melbourne though, about as far from the glory of Minas Tirith a place could be. I am a recent transplant from interstate and definitely still getting used to driving my car like my arse is on fire everywhere I go. Trucks be up my butthole like the eye of Sauron giving my a colonoscopy on the M80. I told myself when I moved here though, that I was going to make more of an effort to meet people, make friends and get back into dating. Kind of like an orc with goals to work on his summer tan, futile but maybe a half point for trying. It's great in theory but tinders a monstrous shit show, I am outstandingly awkward in real life and I also lack Eowyn's delicious stew that gets everyone all wet and wild in the tent with the dwarves afterwards.

In a perfect world, one free of the stupidity of elves... One where Elrond just drop kicks Isildur into the fires of mount doom and everyone lives happily ever after... The love of my life is out there now, reading this post and thinking to herself "This is either the cleverest post or the dumbest post I have ever read." and she will be stuck on that conundrum till she decides to reach out and punch this obvious goblin in the dick to see what happens next. Maybe there's romance in the random depths of Moria, maybe it's a Balrog sized fart, who knows?!

In reality, I would like to just be myself with someone, friends, penpals, lovers, counsel, confidante, partners in crime, I will take whatever comes my way. If the vibe is right who knows where we might end up? Somewhere nice like Rivendell? Somewhere fucked up like the black gate? I am open to anything and everything at this point in my life. I have almost everything figured out, I just need the Frodo to my Sam in my world. I cannot carry the burden of existence, but I can carry you! Or something...

This has gotten horrifically out of control with the lord of the rings references and I honestly don't have a good excuse other than I am watching lord of the rings while I write this and it was probably a mistake. Sam definitely want's to stick his willy in Frodo though, you could cut that tension with a butter knife. You could say, he wants to take his ring for a rumble in the ramrod rodeo.

As far as I am concerned, despite the title, I am actually the opposite of a hobbit in stature, standing at 6"3' I am closer to a certain wizard that bangs his head on every arch in the hobbit hole than a hobbit. I do have hairy feet though so maybe... Truth be told I actually take pretty good care of myself, physically proportionate, eat relatively healthy, clip my nails, brush my teeth. I even get my 8 hours of sleep despite the tiny warg next door that barks with an evil rage that no amount of flesh can calm. I think I am decent looking too, not quite Legolas standards but I would pass as an ugly brother of Aragorn, I have the long hair and the beard to go with it if that counts for anything.

As for you, gosh I hope you have seen lord of the rings or this post is going to be wholly confusing. I don't really have a type, I am mostly interested in people who like to laugh, I will always gravitate to funny people. I love to laugh, I don't take myself very seriously most of the time (if you couldn't tell) and I would like that in my future ring bearer too. Aside from that, just be genuine, be yourself, let the weird out. Let your inner Gollum loose baby, I am standing here ready with a fish to catch you and reel you in.

I'm just looking for my person, I think I am slightly better online at picking up social cues which brings me here. In real life I am about as awkward as an ent trying to be one of those speed auctioneers. Please talk to me because I don't know how much more lord of the rings my brain can take. If you're willing to take a gamble on this like a donkey leaving their swamp to go fuck a dragon, wait no that's a Shrek reference, oh well, shoot me a message! It's in the outlandish that we find our people, the ones that we never could have imagined in our lives but now cannot imagine without.

God forgive me for posting this.