Hi everyone.

I'm not sure what I'm looking for. I've just been through a break-up a month ago. Sort of. I still have feelings for the guy.

It was a long-distance relationship, though we got to meet twice. I'm not sure he ever saw us as together, because he was unsure from the start.

Anyhow, I'm lonely. I miss the company, the good-night calls, the snuggles, the way he made me laugh.

He still wants to be friends and I hope that one day we can be, but right now, my heart is still too sore to spend time together.

I don't have many friends. That doesn't mean I'don't get along ok with people, I just normally don't get very close with them. I don't know if it's them or me - probably both.

I used to make a big effort to stay in touch with all kinds of people but somehow it always ends up being me who does the reaching out.I have one friend I'm close to. Emotionally/mentally that is, even though we often don't agree. That friend lives 3h away, so we don't see each other often.

On the one hand I would like to have another friend maybe. Someone I can share things with and who can share things with me and together we can laugh and geek out about shared interests.

On the other I feel intimidated because a friendship is a big committment for me and right now I'm just not sure if I have the space in my heart.

I also don't know if I should be looking for a partner. On the one hand I feel I'm ready. I don't want to be single. I want to be a team with someone. We don't have to be perfect before we can find someone. We can help each other, accept each other. As long as we decide to be there for each other and want to be with each other, anything is possible.

But then again I still have feelings for the person who just broke up with me and I don't know how long it will take me to get over those feelings, so I don't know if I'm ready.

I'm trying to live my life, to improve a little bit, day by day. Often I fail, sometimes I make some progress.

It's really difficult for me to get to a point where I truly feel comfortable and close with someone. But once I do, I get very attached.I'm loyal. If I'm attached to someone who wants me back (something I have not yet experienced) - I will stick with them.

It could also be nice just to find some people to have some deep conversations with.Though I find myself lacking energy quite quickly nowadays. I used to be up just writing essays, but after things going nowhere so many times or ending in heartbreak, I'm not sure where to take that energy from again, though I bet if we clicked I wouldn't even think about it and just be absorbed in the conversation.

I'm not a very outgoing person, though I can at times overshare, especially in text.

I've tried using dating apps, but somehow I find more interesting people on here.

Both my close friend and the one I was together with I met on reddit and I've talked to a number of other people from here who I am still occasionally in touch with.

So I guess I'm trying my luck again. Sorry, I'm writing this at midnight and the mood is kinda low. I do get low moods but I'm not always like this.

I am also unsure what to say about whom I'd like to talk to.

I used to get responses to my posts of people who hardly shared any interests of mine and I've found that I enjoy that less, so in that sense I would like to be quite picky and specific. On the other, reading posts where people say things like "Don't message me if this and this doesn't apply to you" and those always make me feel uncomfortable, so I don't want to make a post like that.

I do tend to get along better with people who are at least a 3-4 years older than I am, but don't let that stop you.

So here are my interests and I would really really like it if you shared them and had some experience with them:

- Hypnosis.This is one of the reasons why this post is marked NSFW. Hypnosis for me is a lifestyle and I'm interested in all its areas. I think it's a great tool to improve learning and focus and to deal with anxiety. I want to live it and so far I haven't, because I need to be close to the person who does this with me and the people I've been close to have had almost no interst in exploring this with me.(And maybe I also like other things associated with hypnosis - talk to me to find out.)

- Music.Specifically: Early music. Historical performance practice, traditional music, world music...and also cinematic music, fantasy soundtracks and things like that. I play multiple instruments and also compose. I would love it if you were also a musician.Here's another point where I think I might put off people, sorry about that. If you're into modern music and play piano and/or guitar and I have to give you an introduction into early music and the like - we could still get along and have musical fun together, but I'd really love to get to know someone who, like me, plays early music, maybe even on period instruments or world music like Klezmer, Celtic, Balkan and the like. Or someone who composes.

- Books/DIYI love books. I love reading and I also sometimes bind books from scratch. Books give me comfort and they inspire me. They contain people's thoughts somethimes they are similar to my own thoughts and sometimes they are different, but the authors can put into words what I can't or only very clumsily. Or they let me dream of different worlds. Some favourite authors are Tolkien, C.S. Lewis, Terry Pratchett, Cornelia Funke, Derren Brown,...Like I mentioned, I like to bind books, but I also enjoy other things like making jewellery (even though I don't usually wear any), working with wood, occasionally drawing or painting (though I'm not particularly good at it). I would like to get good at poetry and also sewing and knitting and crochet and all those things. Oh and I love calligraphy and secret languages. I used to write letters to my great aunt in an alphabet no longer used today.

- Nature/Hiking/Cycling/Horse Riding/TravellingOne day I will go on a very long cross-country hike. I also like cycling and riding horses. I would like to have a horse, but I also want to travel which is why I'm not ready for pets. Maybe one day, when I'm ready to settle down I will fill my house with pets. Or have a farm with rescue animals.For now, I want to explore all the beautiful places this planet has to offer, preferably together with someone. Scotland and Scandinavia are at the top of my list, though I would also love to explore the US. I prefer a milder clime. Hot places aren't for me. Or at least I won't stay there for too long.

- Philosophy/PsychologyI love deep conversations and finding out about people's thoughts. That's one of the reasons I like to read, but from time to time, a discussion can be great, too.I am also fascinated by how memory works and how we learn and also how our brains can be tricked.I find it difficult to hear about mental health related things, because of my own struggles and the confusion and negativity attached to that.I also suspect I might be autistic. I score high in all the online tests, my only close friend is autistic, most other people I occasionally have contact with are and my mum thinks both my father and I are.But I haven't been through any professional assessment, so who knows.

On a Good Day

I feel inspired and glad to be alive. I will read, go for a walk, work, be productive in many ways and also feel inclined to work on something artsy or musical. I will joke and be a bit mischievous.

On a Bad Day

I get out of bed late, am anxiety ridden, can have proper panic attacks and think I'm going to die when in reality everything is (probably) fine. Be confused by a mix of feelings and not know what to do about them or my life in general., feel hopeless and hopeful at the same time, heartbroken, indecicive and determined, be in love and at the same time frustrated about someone and myself for not knowing how I feel. I overthink and have low energy. Or underthink? I don't even know.

As you can see, the bad day description is longer. I've had more of those for a very long time. Looking to turn that around though.

I dunno what I'm looking for. I suppose I'm looking to connect. But also, it's late and I have a lot to figure out, so I might also disappear.

Once I get close with someone I usually am in contact with them quite regularly. But in the beginning it can be a bit sporadic.

Sorry if you replied and put a lot of effort into it and I don't react.

You can always nudge me and try again. But please forgive me if I still don't react.

I might just need more time to myself after all.

I hope y'all find someone lovely here on reddit - or wherever. Doesn't really matter where. I just hope you all find someone great and know that you matter.

All the best,

Somnia (INFP/INTP, 9w1 in case you wanted to know)