I'm not here to rant but want to try my best in expressing myself in hopes someone else kinda feels the same way. I feel miserable and haven't felt any happiness in over a decade, relationships have never been a strong part of my life because of always working and meeting the wrong people along the way. I have the tendency to push away others when feeling overwhelmed with stress or attaching myself to close to those who don't deserve it, thus I keep my distance.

Feel like my only use in this world is work and pay bills and saving up for something big eventually. I work as a traveling nurse for a replacement agency, its a nice opportunity to travel and discover more of my province and the people are pleased to have me work alongside them, the feeling of being validated and appreciation is needed because that gives me reason to continue. I get along great working with other, we laugh and have a good time and most of time manage the entire floor on my own and recently just worked 15 days straight.

I'm envious towards others, never being invited to outings and I don't want to impose myself either because maybe those people don't want me around. Its a cycle that constantly happens, people talk about their gatherings with me in their convo then make a comment like "oh you should've been there".

My half sister died 2yrs ago, we never got along and felt somewhat happy she's dead, she was terrible person and we were completely different extremes. My father has financially abused my mother for 35yrs and he recently screwed me over but paid back his dept. I'll never trust him. And dealing with other people shit made me grow increasingly more passive. Thats both a good and bad trait, cold and sassy towards people and certain situation but also adaptive to any situation, nothing much bothers me than solitude.

If looks are important to you I'm 6'2" and slim build, tie my hair in a small bun and growing my beard again, tats on both arms and wanting more but indecisive on a design. Try to keep myself busy with taking photos of my cats, gradually learning synthesis and my passion for video games is dying out. I don't mind trading pics either. My only demand is that I feel no attraction to obese people, like 200lbs or more, so take no offense.

So this kinda did end up being a rant but whatever. Sometimes I feel hopeless and wish someone would just hug me and say everything will be okay. Its not much but still press on forwards with life. We can chat on discord or telegram if that suits you better than reddit chat.

cheers