A part of me died last year.

She was the sweetest version of myself to have existed thus far. Writing poems, writing love letters, and singing sweet melodies. She let him into her world. Introduced him to the ocean in a way that he'd never experienced, in a way that she had never shared. She gave him her heart, foolishly enough, and offered her body to a man that wasn't true.

He burnt her. She is ashes. She is dust.

I speak of her in third person because frankly, that wasn't me, and I don't know if that'll ever be me again.

I really enjoy the saying "No rain, no flowers". How is it that I have been cycling through torrential downpours, followed by abrupt periods of drought? Drowning doesn't quench thirst. Or maybe there's a contaminant in me that's not allowing the flowers to grow, maybe it's a lie when I say I've completely let go.

I'm looking for someone. Someone that is like a soft april shower. Someone that feels like spring. Someone that is warm like a cup of freshly brewed coffee in your favorite mug. Someone who I look up to, who emulates the kind of person I aim to be. Kind, but stern, silly, but charismatic. Empathetic, nurturing, brave, and curious. I picture him to be older than me, maybe 4-12 years my senior. I like the idea of "a man written by a woman". This person probably doesn't exist because women love men produced in stories of fiction. My expectations are unrealistic, but I can dream. I gravitate towards masculine energy, and a quiet confidence. Someone who's handy and can fix things before attempting to hire someone. Someone dependable. Someone who is honest and keeps their word. Someone consistent.

I think a good word to describe me is "soft". I wouldn't even say delicate. My skin is tough and I like doing the things I love, even though I get cuts, scrapes, bruises. But I'm soft. My voice is soft, my personality is soft, my energy is soft. Not to be mistaken as weak. Although lately I've begun to waver on that thought, maybe I am weak, and that's okay. I'm tired of having to be strong. I want to let loose, be vulnerable, and unguarded, and know that my partner will keep me safe and actively protect the peace we keep. I spend most of my free time at the beach or in the ocean, surfing is my biggest passion. I love music, reading, and watching shows and movies. I love nature, flowers, plants, and animals. Lately I've been thinking a lot about existence and consciousness. Psychology and relationships. Trauma and love. These days I spend a lot of time commiserating. I'm a skeptic, but also an optimist. I'm submissive, but will challenge you if I think you're wrong.

I’m 4’11, Filipina, roughly 120lbs.

At this moment, there's no reason for me to settle for anyone. I want companionship, but I don't need it. I have friends that are dear to me, and I'm not necessarily looking for more. If the vibe is off, or if the attraction or chemistry isn't there, I'm unlikely to respond. This is just another serendipitous attempt to find someone who feels right. Probably not the place to find someone, but here I go anyway.