It’s that time of year again! ghouls and goblins are out and the threat of a zombie apocalypse is right around the corner. With that in mind I come offering a deal!

With the looming threat of zombies, ghouls, and goblins, I can offer you the zombie survival package. This package includes a guy who has the tools and that “can do” attitude to make the end of the world as we know it just a little more tolerable! How would you like it if he could make the raised garden bed of your dreams out of some scrap wood, an old car door, and tarp? How about being able to turn an old school bus into a mobile survival camp, as well as, being able to rotate the tires, change the oil, ect. on it? If any of this catches your fancy, let’s get some old tires and fashion some road warrior armor and ride off into the sunset!

But wait! There’s more! If by some chance the apocalypse has not occurred, I can offer the nerdy outdoorsman package! With this package, you will get someone who will happily venture out into the pollen filled wasteland commonly known as “outside” This package will include and is not limited to long walks on the beach, lazy kayaking down a river, hiking while trying to avoid poison oak. If this package catches your attention, I will pack plenty of antihistamine, nasal spray, and eye drops to combat the pollen menace!

What about the nerdy part of this package you ask? Well, say no more! Would you enjoy watching a guy looking very intense while building a NASA themed Lego set? Would you want to get up to an ungodly amount of tom foolery while in a DnD campaign? How about staying up late cuddled on the couch and watching sci fi and b horror movies? Do you want to play rock paper scissors to see who gets to play the PS5? Would you want to co-op on a Mario game? How about dressing up and going to a ren faire? If this part of the package catches your attention, I will get the blanket fort, movies, and snacks set up!

But wait, there is still more! I still have one last package to offer. The Southern charm package. It combines the others and adds in its own bit of flare at no extra charge!

To be sure if the Southern Charm package is right for you, I have a few questions. Would the person you are looking for have a mohawk that is forever changing color? How about a dad bod that is great for cuddling and strong at the same time? What if said dad bod had a few tattoos and piercings? What if he is finding more grey hairs in his neatly trimmed beard, but is embracing the fact that he is becoming a silver fox? What if he enjoys helping turtles cross the road and is currently a cat dad to a very loveable void?

If any of these packages grabs your interest, act now while supplies last!