Cigarettes are so hyped in France it’s killing me. I’ve been a heavy smoker for 20 years, I’m 37yo and my doctor just told me my arteries are clogged, turning my toes blue and feeling a tingling foot all the time.

It is time for me to quit, but my mother that I’m visiting now pushes me NOT to quit. I was smoking spliffs, and quit about 6 months ago, which is a big step, but cigarettes are a real pain to let go. All the social gatherings, dinners, drinks with people to offer you a cigarette, even if you say you stopped.

I met a girl in the streets of SF a year ago, begging for a cigarette, when her friend said « no » and I realized she had quit, pushing me to refuse. Here, nobody is supporting my choice, not even a stranger in the streets.

I’m heading tomorrow in a family home by myself and will just detox during a week. I’m crying like a baby, playing the guitar and observing all the wrong choices I made, destructing myself for no good reason. I used to date a girl here for a couple months, and she told me I would not be able to do it, that it was pointless. I let her go, seeing my health is more important than spending good moments with a leg cut off.

This poison has broken my reward system, but I am ready to go through hell for getting rid of it. What scares me is ex-smokers willing to light one 15-20 years after quitting, which is the mental dependency. I can’t wait to be back in the US and have this nasty habit behind with people who share this point of view.

Thanks for reading, we are all in the same boat, trying not to drown in this dark feeling the cravings bring. I just needed to write something. I want to send all the courage to all the quitters, someone who never smokes cannot fathom how hard it is.