I apologize in advance for the length of this post, and I know the format is awful because I'm on my phone. So after being stuck on my taper at 7gpd for WEEKS, the last couple days I've made excellent progress. The day before yesterday I took 5 grams, and yesterday I took 4.5 grams. I expected to feel numb and dead for weeks, but as I started inching towards 15 hours without a dose I started feeling absolutely manic. I suppose I should mention that I have bipolar disorder, and I am also a survivor of trauma. The mania was amazing. Kratom makes you so numb, so for years I'd barely felt anything. Then suddenly yesterday I was feeling EVERYTHING again, more intensely than even before I started taking kratom. For years it's been hard for me to enjoy the things I love - movies and tv shows have always been something I've really enjoyed. I'd even say I was hyper fixated on them for many years. Yesterday that all came back. I wanted to watch movie after movie, interviews with favorite actors, reading articles. It's like I just couldn't get enough of the things I used to love. A part of me never thought I'd feel that again. With all these great feelings though, hypersexuality also showed up. While I missed having sexual arousal/drive on kratom, there was a part of me that was OK with it. I've been hypersexual before in the past, back when I was using hard drugs. Between amphetamines and bipolar disorder, I often felt overwhelmed by this need that couldn't be satiated. Then on top of that, I went through an SA from someone I was very close to 5 years ago. While I'm not uncomfortable with sex itself, the thought of being intimate with someone else terrifies me. It would take an immense amount of time and trust for me to feel comfortable enough to do that with someone. So all these feelings are coming back. The good and the bad. Feeling alive is amazing. Almost too amazing. I started feeling so great yesterday that it was almost too much and I wanted to go buy cheap vodka and get wasted to numb it all a little, even though I'm not and have never been a drinker. I probably would have, but we recently got snow and the Temps are below freezing. So I stayed inside. I'm feeling just as hypersexual today, 10 hours since my last small dose. Part of me is thrilled to know that I can still feel things again. I can enjoy the things I used to enjoy. A huge part of me thought I'd ruined that with years of kratom use. Another part of me is struggling with things I didn't think I'd have to think about until much further into my quit. I'm still committed to this. I just needed to share what I'm going through. It kind of feels mortifying to me, whether it should or not. And I just needed to talk about it somewhere. I thought some of you may understand.