Unfortunately I got myself back into daily, multiple doses a day. Previously I had been using 24 to 40 grams a day every single day for 5 years. I got myself to quit though. Went cold turkey and got my life and my spirit back. To be honest, it really wasn’t even that difficult. The withdrawals were definitely intense, but the mental aspect was surprisingly easy. I was determined, and I really wanted it. I made it 2 months.

My addict brain has been in control of my life for almost two decades and I’m 33. Opiates have been at the forefront of my mind longer than they haven’t, and that’s a disturbing fact that I really need to look at. For the past month, I started off, in my standards, slow, using kratom only once a day and telling myself I was in control. That quickly progressed. Im now back to several times a day. I’ve been swearing I’m going to stop like everyday for two weeks, and I’m no closer to reaching that goal. I want this though, I need this.

A major part of my addict behavior is being sneaky and lying. Im on a break with my fiancé due to a relapse of harder drugs and kratom is a part of the promise for us to continue to work on things. Last night while I was visiting at her place she saw me get a bag of kratom out my fanny pack. I thought she had her eyes on the computer as I tried to sneak it out of my bag. She opened my eyes to what I ultimately failed to realize of my actions. The sneaking and lying made our relationship a living hell for her. Sneaking heroin, sneaking meth, sneaking benzos, swearing I’m sober, making her feel crazy with my lying. I failed to see that this is where it all starts. Sneaking kratom will eventually turn into sneaking anything I can. I always seem to push the limits to what I can get away with.

I want more for myself then dealing with these substances. I want my family back and that ONLY comes with sobriety. Tomorrow is new day, a new chance to make things right. I’m ready and fully capable. I’m ready to be active in my sobriety. This community is inspiring and I love to this post of people hitting four, five, six, two weeks a month. Those to me are the hardest amounts to hit. Thanks for reading if you did so. Peace and love.