Wanted to make this thread to perhaps give anyone out there something to read if they're in the midst of Hell and want to hear an account of some hope.

The worst of the worst is over. I've slept 5 hours in the past 3 days, but that being said the sulphur and brimstone stink of the beginning of it is long gone.

Forgive me for my editorialization.

I have a very physical job. I'm on my feet moving around, bending, moving, lifting, turning, sometimes running 10 hours a day. That's why I loved Kratom so much. And of course because when I finally got home I could get twacked and knock the fuck out. So all the hours I missed from going to detox was enough money lost and I had to return to work no matter what.

There as a day earlier this week where it felt like someone parked a CATIPILLAR construction truck on my lower back while I tried to perform my duties at work. Don't think I've ever stared at a clock more.

Today I sniffled every 2 minutes for my whole shift. Sneezed a lot. But it felt 99% mental today. Of course I felt like shit physically, but it felt like that wasn't the point of what my body was trying to tell me. I just didn't want to do fucking anything and I couldn't deal with anything and I'm devastated as my natural state. But i forced myself to work and do what I have to do. But i felt heavy, and had all this going on in my head, tho I made it through the day a lot easier than that other day I mentioned.

Basically at the detox facility I went to, 26 or so hours into CT they put me on a super high buprenorphine dose (12mg) and very quickly tapered me down to zero in 4 days and sent me on my way, but noticing things and reading stuff on here in a way it was like my 5th day was really my 2nd day, or something. Like due to that it was all just paused for a moment. So after the Subutex left my system I was fucked again, and had to deal with that.

But right now I feel like I really made it through the worst.

Whoever's reading this I'm sure you're a good kid. It's not your fault you just wanted to feel good. Everything everywhere is constantly telling you that you're 'supposed' to be feeling good all the time. And that it's the only thing that matters. You found something that works for you, it's yours! but then the way it would hit laying in bed and turning on that one song to listen to on repeat while you drift off after dosing (for me it was Progress by IDLES) and the way you remember and conceptualized what you were doing seems like a lie now and it's fucking ruining everything and doesn't even get you that high anymore. I can't figure out how to give this a good ending that isn't hokey.

Put on some fucking Tom Waits and think about how you had to have something tough and something other than a demon that wants to destroy you in there, or at least co-habitating, for you to actually do something to stop.