But, you know, what if I was trans?

Am I an Egg?

PRE-SCRIPT I posted this exact thing on another sub but I can’t stop thinking about it and I’ve been getting very few responses over there. I’m sorry if this is the wrong forum for this.

I’ve been questioning myself lately

Hi so I cannot tell at all if this is the right forum for this at all but I don’t know where else to go. I’m a 27 year old man, I think, and have never had dysphoria or so I thought. I’m engaged as well, to a woman I’ve been with for five years. I’m not queer presenting generally though most of my friends have joked for years I have “bi vibes”. Even my fiancé jokes a lot about how she’s expecting me to come out of a closet at some point, and sometimes days she isn’t totally joking.

Now here’s the thing. I’m totally not attracted to men (obviously not a factor against this) but I’ve been… questioning things of late? I’ve been seriously wondering if I’m actually a woman. Which feels… insane to me.

Context: Almost all of my friends are queer or cis women. Traditionally that’s been the case for a long time, most of my life actually. I’ve been referred to as many of those friends as the “one man they can stand” or even once “the best ally they’ve met” which oof that made me feel some stuff. Despite ostensibly being a hetero cis man, I’ve always felt more comfortable in queer spaces like at Pride than most other places, feeling of it as almost being my place. I never look in the mirror, and frequently leave my facial hair to grow shaggy and unkempt because I never think about upkeep of my appearance. I’m semi-obsessed with trans issues, and while originally as a teen this began with watching transfem pornography (sorry to bring that up) i quickly found myself being endlessly fascinated if not mildly obsessed with information about how hormone therapy worked, bottom surgery processes, and trolling subreddits like r/transtimelines and r/traaaaaaaaaans. As a kid I had frequent dreams where as an adult I’d be female or magically turned into a girl, and occasionally would have fantasies about someone just deciding they had to raise me as a girl. Note, neither of these would result in me necessarily being happier in the dream or daydream, it was like it just kind of was. My sexual fantasies basically never involve me, or at least not as my body exists. When I am around groups of men I do feel myself actively masking and attempting to match their vibes and attitudes including sometimes when they’d say horrible sexist or racist shit despite that not being me at all. I frequently mildly obsessedly put my face through Faceapp or remake myself in Sims just to swap the gender and see what I’d look like, and always have. I’m a filmmaker as well, and basically always wrote scripts with female leads. I had a very good relationship with one actress whom I once admitted to I saw as my avatar on screen, and everyone I know for awhile was convinced I was in love with her which I very much was not. She genuinely felt like the best representation of me on film.

A LOT OF THIS I’ve chocked up to being autistic, repressed and antisocial. I have always felt uncomfortable in discussing my sexuality, sharing stories or anything else like this. Even my fiancé doesn’t know my fantasies and sometimes tries to get me to express them and I just can’t bring myself to do so.

All of this was just kind of going unquestioned until one day I was on r/Egg_irl and I just kinda… snapped? I don’t feel feminine, I don’t think of myself as hating my body, and I’ve never thought of myself as a woman before but it all started hitting just… so hard? And I don’t even know if I am trans for real and it’s not just a product of my recent bout of depression and disassociation, a frequent curse for me.

I don’t feel comfortable bringing this up to my fiancé or my friends, I feel silly sometimes catching myself with these thoughts, and when I look in the mirror I still see the same guy I’ve always been. But I haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for three days.

Gang. Am I an egg?