Hi,

Without going too crazy, I'm just going through a really intense questioning period again where I just feel super confused and go through these spells of hating my body. I've been through counseling 20 years ago and then another 5 years after that for questioning my sexuality and gender. I thought I had worked out something acceptable to myself where I allow myself to be somewhat androgynous in physical appearance and am cool with being sexually attracted to the entire gender spectrum. I grew out my hair down my back, replaced my boy underwear with panties, and began shaving my body hair. Sometimes I would wear women's jeans and paint my toenails, etc. All was good. Then, I got caught up in a career and started drifting away from some of it. Since I teach, I started wearing more masculine things for work though kept my hair. Then, I quit smoking and gained some weight, which I'm still trying to take off. I managed to keep the hair, panties, and shaving routine. This past 12 months, though, I started feeling dysphoric again. I pierced my ears and my navel, started wearing no-show bras under my tops, and started to buy makeup to practice with. I also began taking peuraria mirifica to enlarge my breasts, if only slightly. Lately, I just feel that I may need to renegotiate my old agreement with myself and explore further. Does anyone have any advice? Sometimes when I look in the mirror and see my body, I just feel ugh, and want to look more like a pretty woman. For the record, my penis doesn't repulse me. Anyway, any suggestions or life experience with something similar would be greatly appreciated. My impulse is that I need to stop fixating on externals and perhaps try journaling with how I feel inside. Any suggestions about how to do that would be welcome too.