My friend and I have been in Airlie for 5 days now, and have eaten approximately 8 meals at 8 different restaurants. All have been tasteless and stale.

The first meal we had was a pumpkin pizza from The Deck. It had an incredibly bizarre flavour to it. I believe they added peanuts. Why not pine nuts like a normal person? Disturbing.

The second was a strange fusion fried rice and chilli tofu from Cool Lala. While edible, it lacked depth and freshness. It was also very obvious that the ingredients were frozen.

The third was an absolutely horrifying complimentary buffet style lunch on the Red Cat outer reef tour. Again, a strange pumpkin dish. This time, accompanied with barbecue sauce. There was also a flavourless and rubbery corn quiche with absolutely no flavour to it. I am very confused by this, however it was somewhat expected as it a free meal on a boat. Beggars can’t be choosers.

I will say, our fourth meal of nachos from Beaches Bar and Grill were fine. Although I will mention that the staff were quite rude. I too would be rude though, if I had to deal with drunk backpackers all day.

For our fifth meal, we indulged in a humble fish and chips from Whisunday Seafood Bar. My friend got a serving of chips and a Greek salad. I ordered a Greek salad and a grilled fish. Please tell me why they packed my salad directly next to the grilled fish, which made the fish soggy and the salad hot. Under normal circumstances, the salad is packed in a seperate container. They also have pre-packed salads in containers anyway, meaning they made the conscious decision to dump the salad next to the fish on top of paper packaging. Nothing is making sense.

Our sixth meal was some curry and naan from Lovely India. My friend’s daal was watery. My paneer was very sweet. We ended up mixing them together to create our own dish. The naan was fine, although I’ve never had a Kashmiri naan with granulated coconut in it. Interesting choice.

Our seventh meal was a zucchini pasta and mushroom pizza from La Tabella. The zucchini pasta was actually alright. It tasted fresh, however again there was barely any flavour to it. The mushroom pizza was absolutely foul. It was watery and the dough was uncooked. I unfortunately had to send it back, which is difficult for an introvert. It had to be done though. I was offended that this was served to me.

Our final meal in this god forsaken place was at Northelies Beach Bar and Grill - a place that came recommended to us by a local. She must’ve hated us, because this food tasted like soggy cardboard. Both the mushroom burger and the calamari tasted the same, which is equal parts concerning and equal parts interesting considering the vast difference in biological make up between them.

I would also like to mention that the Saturday morning market is the weirdest thing I have ever been to. There was about 10 pieces of fruit available to purchase, shit jewellery, and Jehovahs Witnesses.

I would also like to add that after the first two bad experiences, we really wanted to cook at our apartment. However, there was neither the oven nor bench space to do so.

Airlie Beach - what is going on? Does the soulless and overpriced food have to do with the fact that this is a tourist destination? Are all the chefs in the kitchen drunk and sunburnt Irish backpackers who are simply saving to go to their next destination? Please enlighten this disappointed and hungry woman.