I nearly died in a car crash a month ago. To summarize it, I was with a guy who practically held me hostage all night. I just wanted to hang and make a new friend, but he was looking for so so much more. He wouldn't stop touching me, even when I told him that I was unsure I wanted anything with him. He was like a predator, always keeping his hands on me and trying to convince me to sleep with him and be his girlfriend. I had no idea how to call for help, I had never been in this situation before and I feared if I called for help he'd just throw out my phone or do something worse to me.

He drank a lot that night, and I don't drink so I don't know what super drunk looks like or how much alcohol it takes. He had more to drink before I even got in that car, and I didn't even know.

I told him to drive me home. He said, "after we go to my apartment first"

next thing I know he swerves while I'm completely conscious, and I experience everything. I was awake the whole time.

The seatbelt tore my bowels and caused internal bleeding that nearly killed me, and had me get emergency surgery and spend a whole week in the ICU.

For weeks I didn't feel much other than physical pain, but now that it's died down all of the emotional pain is rushing in. I'm angry. I feel violated. This was supposed to be my senior year of high school and now it's been ruined. Even before the accident, I had so many shitty things happen to me and now this just feels like a slap in the face. I don't believe anything good will ever happen in my future, I don't even think I deserved to survive.

I think I might be getting flashbacks or something like that. There are moments where I will just randomly remember something specific about the accident and start to feel anxious, irritated, and terrified. They aren't dream-like or super vivid, but I will remember something like the smell of the car after we crashed, or the airbags, or the feeling of the seatbelt holding onto me so tight as the impact hit.

I don't even know if I have severe PTSD. I don't get any nightmares (or haven't yet) of the incident, but I do get anxious when I'm in a car or I see someone driving so recklessly and fast on the road.

If anything, I've been struggling with suicidal thoughts and wishes of being dead. I don't think I could ever do something to myself, but part of me wishes I died, or that I deserved to die. It's been rough.