I'm going to think about it because I don't like I can sit here reading, programming, riding my bike. At the end of the day I want to feel loved by someone other than mother. I had my first girlfriend for like a month this year. Yeah I have issues keeping myself busy distracted and going to therapy is not working. I'm on medication I think it's working but not enough I'm still broken. Obviously I haven't gotten better at least not as much as I thought I did otherwise she wouldn't have ghosted me otherwise I wouldn't think it had anything to do about me. I have ptsd autism I'm screwed I wasn't made for love everytime I try I screw up. I'm going to try because I want it I'm not gonna not want it because I'm exercising (riding a bike is exercise).

We have friends we have family we’re not alone in this world. I don’t want an empty house and I don’t want a house filled with strangers. I don’t want to share a room and my private life with family and I don’t want to be alone we’re not meant to be alone so why do I have to be alone? Other people have boyfriends or girlfriends or even both. So why am I left out why isn’t life fair what’s the point of being if you can’t have what you want? We’re already living with no reason to live it’s even worse living a life that you can’t have what you want out of it. A relationship not a person I know I can never own a person I don’t want to own a person. I want to be close to a person. I guess that’s not in the cards for me.

I want to know my body can be loved the right way that someone can love me outside of sex that I can have sex without being raped. That it can be intimate and in a loving manner. That’s just a plus honestly I couldn’t careless about sex I want a romantic relationship. I’m 19 bi male.