My situation is a long one and kind of a doozy. I considered myself politically moderate but pro choice, but the choice I knew I would personally go with was adoption if the situation of pregnancy ever happened. I thought this way until just I found out I was pregnant. I am logical minded and what seemed logical was to abort. I was a med student and had just left my abusive partner, so it only made sense to me to get the procedure done. Then I started obsessing over my child and had to make the decision that felt the best, and that option I’ve chosen is continuing my pregnancy but not be a parent. I was disgusted by my relatives pushing me to abortion, I mean it’s my child. They threw disgusting insults at me and my child until they realized their harsh words wouldn’t work. It’s isolating but I thought I was making the best decision. I’m being completely supported by my agency, financially and emotionally, but I still can’t shake that I feel…weird. I thought this was the right decision but I feel disgusting calling it my baby. It doesn’t feel like mine. I thought it would be unfair and cruel to punish a child for being brought into the world at the wrong place at the wrong time, but I feel like I’m not alone in my body sometimes. I feel like my conscious is clear and I’m doing the self-less and honorable thing, but I just can’t help but feel so trapped in my own body. I’m doing what I’m supposed to do, I thought. I was supposed to feel like a good Christian and good woman for completing someone’s family. Why do I feel so lost. Is this a test to see if I’ll break? Some days I feel genuine love for my child, but today was my first ultrasound and seeing it move made me so queasy. The birth father doesn’t help either because he keeps calling them “our baby” or “my child”. It’s grotesque, but this was supposed to feel good.